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Was in a club last week when I heard a commotion at the door one bloke shouted "nine sixteen" the other pushed him away and swung a fist and shouted back "twenty five thirty six " the bouncer trying to sort it out got on his radio and said "need assistance at side door, got a couple of blokes squaring up "
 
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A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink. "Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."
He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.

While he was putting his clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

He said, "My wife found out."
 
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apparently research has shown that the world is overpopulated and there could be a shortage of burial plots if it carries on at the same rate......hope it doesn't lead to panic dying
 
A mate has had some good fortune on the lottery winning 2.5 million, he threw open the front door yelling the news to his girlfriend he told her to get ready for the holiday of a lifetime, "where shall we go" she squealed in delight " anywhere you like only you are going"
 
our local operatic society had to cancel a performance of pirates of the caribbean due to a few cast members testing positive for covid because they had pushed up the aaaarrghhh rate
 
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oldschool said:
A mate has had some good fortune on the lottery winning 2.5 million, he threw open the front door yelling the news to his girlfriend he told her to get ready for the holiday of a lifetime, "where shall we go" she squealed in delight " anywhere you like only you are going"
Click to expand...

A woman comes home, and flinging the front door open, she shouts over to her husband in the lounge, "pack your bags because I've just won the lottery !"

"Great" replies her husband "What should I pack for, the beach, a city get-a-way, what ?"

"I don't care" says the woman, "just get the hell out!"
 
Poly said:
A woman comes home, and flinging the front door open, she shouts over to her husband in the lounge, "pack your bags because I've just won the lottery !"

"Great" replies her husband "What should I pack for, the beach, a city get-a-way, what ?"

"I don't care" says the woman, "just get the hell out!"
Click to expand...
That looks similar to something I read recently.....I wonder where?
 
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Poly said:
A woman comes home, and flinging the front door open, she shouts over to her husband in the lounge, "pack your bags because I've just won the lottery !"

"Great" replies her husband "What should I pack for, the beach, a city get-a-way, what ?"

"I don't care" says the woman, "just get the hell out!"
Click to expand...
Sounds like the perfect deal, being the husband he is entitled to 50% of the lottery win, bonus ball he gets a free divorce.
<laugh>
 
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oldschool said:
Theyre pirates whether they are from Penzance, Caribbean or Somalia they all hopefully say aaaarrrrggghhh <whistle>
Click to expand...

So a young couple are holidaying in Cornwall and staying at the Admiral Benbow Inn. One night they notice a salty old sea dog, with a beard, eye patch and a hook for a hand...
The young man can't resist and approaches his to ask about his missing body parts...
Holding up his hook, he said "It war a killer whale, in the South China Sea, rose up an' bit me hand off"
"Wow" said the young man in awe..."and the eye patch?"
"Oh that war a speck O dust from the mainsail, fell into me eye"
"A speck of dust did that?" replied the young man incredulously
"Well" said the old sea dog, "It war the first week with the hook".
 
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