Jokes

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The wife got into a strop and said she was off for a sail on the boat. It's dangerous to go on your own I warned, but of course she wouldn't listen Surprise surprise, next day the police are at the door. We have some bad news for you. But also some good news and some very good news. Ok , give me the bad . Your wife drowned at sea. The good? When we pulled her out she had eight giant king crabs and four lobsters on her. Ok then, and the very good news?? We're pulling her out again tomorrow.
 
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Dad asked me "do you know what PHD stands for?"
"Permanent hearing disorder?" I answered.
"It stands for permanent hearing disorder, son." he replied
 
Doctor Ahmed had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: “Ahmed, don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won’t be the last. And you are not married. Just let it go.”

“But then another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:…… “You sick bastard, you’re a vet.”
 
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It was Xmas Eve a couple doing last minute shopping when her husband disappeared she phoned him on his mobile, "Where are you?? In a calm voice, he replied. "Darling remember the jewellery shop we went in 5 years ago and you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I said one day I would get it for you" her eyes filled with tears, yes I remember" she said.
Well I'm in the pub next door to that..
 
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