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Jokes
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brilliant
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That reminds me of the time I went on holiday to Bulgaria, around 1986. Not much there, but me and the brother in law, managed to get a game of badminton on the beach. As with a lot of us adults, playing any kind of sport, we started to behave like kids and got very competitive. A lot of smashes a lot of calling in, when we knew it was out etc, anyway during one very enthusiastic rally, my brother in law, knocked it high into the air, unbeknown to me a lady and gent were walking toward us obviously miles away, because they noticed us as much as we noticed them, so as I smashed the shuttle cock back to him, she walked really close to me and got the racket full in the face. Being the feckers we were, we were asking if she was ok, whilst pissing ourselves laughing.
brisbane-lion
Well-Known Member
DO YOU WANT TO STAND OUT IN A CROWD? DO YOU WANT TO LOOK BETTER, BE BETTER THAN THE REST OF THE HERD? DO YOU WANT TO FEEL SUPERIOR TO THOSE AROUND YOU? YOU DO? THEN GO AND LIVE IN LEEDS, YOU CAN'T FAIL.
2020VisionofLeeds
Well-Known Member
You wouldn’t be allowed in.
You're a millwall fan, you would get lost trying to find Leeds.
So true .....
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Nicola Sturgeon out for a drive in her limo. Cow walks into road, bounces off car and falls over dead.
Limo driver sent to farm to inform farmer. Knocks on door, farmer pulls him in and gives him loads of single malt. Farmer's daughter drags him upstairs and gives him a good seeing to.
Driver staggers back to car and Nicola demands the reason he's been so long. He explains what happened, so she asks what did you say?
AlI I said was I am Nicola Sturgeon's driver and I have killed the cow.
Limo driver sent to farm to inform farmer. Knocks on door, farmer pulls him in and gives him loads of single malt. Farmer's daughter drags him upstairs and gives him a good seeing to.
Driver staggers back to car and Nicola demands the reason he's been so long. He explains what happened, so she asks what did you say?
AlI I said was I am Nicola Sturgeon's driver and I have killed the cow.
Reminds me of a true story about my mate Hamish. He was an ambulance driver on the Isle of Skye. He got a brand new ambulance delivered & decided to take it out for a joy ride before it entered service, 'to see what it did'. He chose to use the quiet, single track roads in the pitch black to really test it, which he did, at max speed. Right up until he hit a black cow at God knows what speed, but enough for the body shell to continue moving & the chassis etc. to stop, writing it off. The cow? It walked away, which apparently is not unusual. Happened to a cousin of mine too, but whilst the cow walked away, he was in hospital for months having his crushed leg rebuilt. Apparently if he'd have stood on the brake, his leg would have impaled him, killing him outright. That news made the crushed leg sound not too bad.
Speaking of Hamish, he was at a party at the New Year during a power cut. To entertain themselves, everyone present was given a song to sing. Cruelly, they gave Hamish his song - Karma Chamelion, which was in the charts then. Only problem was that Hamish had an horrific stutter. People still wet themselves laughing when they think of him spending most of the party trying to get past the first word.
EDIT: Just remembered - part of the story was that he spent all night trying to make chips with a candle. The evil of excess alcohol, Highlander-style.
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An emergency call center worker in London has been sacked. As she had a call from a man saying he had had enough and he was lying on a rail track waiting to meet Allah, apparently asking him to stay on the line was the wrong response.
Diane Abbot went to Scotland 4 weeks ago, today she called Jeremy Corbyn to say she still can't find Loch Down.
Didn't get that one until I realised that you mob couldn't speak right!
Sorry, even when you write, we have trouble understanding you.
Translate; sore ee, even when ye rite, we have trubble underrrstandin ye.
Bloimeh! Yow leettle bandeet! Praps yawr roitSorry, even when you write, we have trouble understanding you.
Translate; sore ee, even when ye rite, we have trubble underrrstandin ye.
Thank you, had to wait until the evening to look at it!