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Jokes
- Thread starter ellandback
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Ordered a Chinese to my house. the Chinese driver pulls up and walks to the door and I walked out to meet him.
He started shouting isolate isolate.
I said mate calm down you're not that late I only ordered half an hour ago
He started shouting isolate isolate.
I said mate calm down you're not that late I only ordered half an hour ago
The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're having sex?'
'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
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And 99.9% of men are now telling their wife they saw the mouse straight away.
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very,
very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
Earlier this week I thought I had CV-19.
Later in the week, I determined that I was mistaken and now I’m a recovering hypochondriac, but I just don’t seem to be getting any better.
Later in the week, I determined that I was mistaken and now I’m a recovering hypochondriac, but I just don’t seem to be getting any better.
An Irishman on a deserted island for over 10 years, sees a speck on the horizon drifting his way.
What emerged from the surf was wet-suited black clad figure. After taking some of the scuba off, there stood a gorgeous blond! The blond strides up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. She unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Christ," says the man, " I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of whiskey" asked the blonde.
Gobsmacked, the castaway replied, "Ten years." The blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and hands him a flask. He has a long drink. "Magic, truly fantastic!!!" says the Irishman.
At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. Smiling she looks at the trembling man and asks: "Now, how long has it been since you played around???"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"
What emerged from the surf was wet-suited black clad figure. After taking some of the scuba off, there stood a gorgeous blond! The blond strides up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman. She unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Christ," says the man, " I'd forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of whiskey" asked the blonde.
Gobsmacked, the castaway replied, "Ten years." The blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket and hands him a flask. He has a long drink. "Magic, truly fantastic!!!" says the Irishman.
At this point the gorgeous blond started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. Smiling she looks at the trembling man and asks: "Now, how long has it been since you played around???"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed; "Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"
brisbane-lion
Well-Known Member
It's Thursday tomorrow, I have to take the bins out. I'm so excited. I just don't know what to wear.
How do you know it's Thursday, it's all one long fookin day here. Even the cats starting to anoy me strolling around, going where he wants.
1. I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "*****phile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 22 and I'm 70. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.
2. My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25 and her name is Heather.
3. Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "*****phile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 22 and I'm 70. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
4. My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
5. The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
6. A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says, "How do you know?" The man says, "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
7. I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."
8. My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to the Salvation Army to get all of her clothes back.
9. The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, "We'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway."
10. If you get an email entitled, "Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton", don't open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.