Jokes

I bet Ell enters when he sees that

 

Someone asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he was a poor boy, from a poor family.

 

A woman finds out her husband had been going to prostitutes for sex. "What did you do it for?" "Well, i don't get it at home, do I." "But you never told me you were willing to pay for it!!".

 

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loved that one

 

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My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive. Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for

 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO DUBLIN , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO DUBLIN AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO DUBLIN."

 

I asked my solicitor, "How much do you charge?"
He said, "£100 for 3 questions."
"Isn't that a bit steep?" I said.
"Yes. What's your third question?"

 

Can't remember if I saw this on this page or elsewhere, but here goes anyway. Two women were squabbling over the last seat on the bus. The conductor tried to settle them down but nothing doing. The driver gets out comes back to see what all the fuss was about. The conductor tells him and the driver says 'Easy, let the ugly one sit there". Both women stood until the end of the journey.

 

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A horse is in a pub having a few beers when he spots a donkey in the corner, so he goes over for a chat.
The donkey asks, “What do you do for a living?”
The horse says, “I run on the flats in the summer and do the jumps in the winter.”
The donkey says, “I work with the kids on the beach.” He then asks the horse “Did you win anything?”
The horse replies “Yes, on the flats I won the Oaks, St Leger, and the Derby, and over the jumps, I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup.”
They arrange to meet at the donkey’s house the following week and the donkey thinks “I really need to impress this guy…he's done everything.” So he goes out and buys a big picture of a Zebra and hangs it above his fireplace.
The horse arrives and says, “Lovely place you have here, and who’s that in the picture on the wall?”
The donkey replies “That’s me when I played for Juventus...”