A Scot an Italian and a scouser walked into a bar. The Scot, who has only one leg, goes to the bar and asks for a scotch. While the barman is getting drink the Scot sees a figure at the end of the bar. "Is that Jesus sitting down there?" "yes it is" the barman says. "Well, said he Scot, "send him down a double on me". Next the Italian, who has a hump on his back, goes to the bar and asks for a Chianti. He sees the man at end of the bar and says "Is that the Lord Jesus sitting down there?" Yes, it is," says the barman. "Then send him down a glass of Chianti on me". The scouser approaches the bar and asks for a pint of beer. "He, too, sees Jesus and asks the barman to send him down a pint of best bitter. Jesus finishes his drinks and rises, comes over to the bunch, lays his hand on the Scot's stump and said, "For your kindness you shall have your leg again" and pop, the scot has a new leg. He skips out of the bar a happy man. Next Jesus approaches the Italian, lays his hand on the Italian's hump and says "For your kindness I shall remove your hump". and for the first time in his life the Italian could stand up straight. Joy overcame him and he danced out of the bar. Next Jesus went to the scouser, but before he could do anything the scouser shrank away from him. "You keep your hands off me, whack, I'm on benefits".
A bloke phoned me last and said "I'm the dandy highwayman who your're too scared to mention, I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention" I said you got the wrong ****ing number mate But he was Adamant.
I'm becoming increasingly worried about my friends and their alcohol intake. They dropped me three times last night while carrying me home.
I went to the pub today and asked for a glass of orange squash. The barman and the lads started laughing, called me a wimp and took the piss. I said, " You'd drink squash too if you had what i have"... The barman looked concerned, "Oh sorry mate, I didn't realise something was wrong. What have u got?" "50 pence" I replied."
A lorry carrying 50 pallets of boxes of Vicks Vaporub overturned on the A 845 early this morning. The road hasn't been congested all day.
While I was driving my wife asked me to pass her her lip balm. I mistakenly passed her some Super Glue. She's still not talking to me.
