A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy orders a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink. He replied in disgust, 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!' Paddy handed his drink back & said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'
A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm. She said she doesn’t like to bother me when I’m at work.
I'm at the airport and there's a woman completely passed out on the baggage carousel! She's slowly coming around now.
allow her leg to raise to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind herself to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the third time attempted the step. Once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. At this point, a large bodybuilder, who was standing behind her, picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic, and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body??!! I don't even know who you are!!" The bodybuilder smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were friends!"
Olaf the Viking is shopping at iceland supermarket on Salford precinct when he comes across an old lady in a wheelchair, almost in tears. "What's the matter?" asks Olaf. "Oh," sobs the old lady "I want to have a look at the frozen puddings but as you can see, there are three steps down to the chiller cabinets." "No problem." says Olaf taking her onto his back "I'll take you." Olaf strolls through the chiller cabinets with the old lady on his back. She selects several puddings and puts them in the basket he is carrying for her. At the other end, the old lady's husband is waiting for her with her wheelchair. "I'd really like to thank you." says the old lady as Olaf sets her back down in the chair "but I don't even know who you are!" Olaf just waves and walks off. "I was really worried about you, " comments the old lady's husband "What have you been doing?" "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name."
Wife's Diary: * Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. *Husband's Diary:* Who the **** loses to crystal palace at home
