Jokes
- Thread starter ellandback
- Start date
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A first time offender gets put into a cell with a hardened thug and he says 'seeing as it's your first time in you can choose what you want to be tonight mummy or daddy'....the newbie thinks and says ' I'd prefer to be daddy I suppose '....the thug replies ' no probs, come and suck mummy's cock'
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The doctor told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act:
The man decided, what the hell, I'll try it.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realised his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied. "What?"
He heard. "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied. "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop replied. "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The man decided, what the hell, I'll try it.
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife.
He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realised his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied. "What?"
He heard. "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied. "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop replied. "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
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Arnold Schwarzenegger is to play a dementia sufferer in a new film..... can't recall
Thought I'd buy a grilling machine so went for a George foreman one seeing as they'd been around awhile, looked online and ordered one,when it came it was a fake it was a George Formby one still it was quite a good price and after using it I must say the burgers turned out nice again
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says ' wow it wasn't that creased in the shop'
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, I'll do the modelling naked and return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says ' wow it wasn't that creased in the shop'
Married Six Times
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 6 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married six times.?"
"Well, husband No. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.”
"Husband No. 2 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.”
"Husband No. 3 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.”
"Husband No. 4 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.”
"Husband No. 5 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.”
"Husband No. 6 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............... God I miss him!”
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.”
"Wonderful" said the husband, "but why me?”
"You're with the “GOVERNMENT"................... This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!!"
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A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 6 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married six times.?"
"Well, husband No. 1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.”
"Husband No. 2 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.”
"Husband No. 3 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.”
"Husband No. 4 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.”
"Husband No. 5 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.”
"Husband No. 6 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was............... God I miss him!”
"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited.”
"Wonderful" said the husband, "but why me?”
"You're with the “GOVERNMENT"................... This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!!"