I can’t take my dog to the park anymore 'cos the ducks keep biting him. I should have known this would happen . . . . he’s pure bread.
Just been watching Women's golf on Sky. It's so much like real life... They're shyte at driving but great with an iron!
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, " So why are you here? " The Black Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do? "Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here " The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch." "So what are they going to do to you? " the Black Lab inquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?" "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?" The Great Dane said, "No. Apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped
Last night an hypnotist convinced me I was a soft metal with an atomic number 82..... I'm easily lead
