The man who invented 'cats eyes' got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat reflected in his headlights... If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener!
A chap was sitting at a bar chatting to the landlord and said that he could identify a timber by its smell and feel. The landlord said, “No way” and after much discussion said to the punter, “OK, if you can do it, I’ll give you free beer for life”. The punter took up the challenge and he was duly blindfolded. He was taken to the landlord’s flat and at the first bit of timber, he correctly identified it as a mahogany table. At the next piece, he said that it was a pine dresser and the next, he said it was an oak bed frame and the next he said it was a willow cricket bat. By this time, the landlord was getting slightly worried that he might lose his bet and so returned to the bar, where he gave the barmaid a pencil and whispered something to her. She blushed and disappeared to the toilet, returning a couple of minutes later. The punter was duly given a piece of timber and he was obviously flummoxed, as he took quite a while before declaring – “I’ve got it” he says, “It’s the bog door off a Grimsby trawler!!!”
A young British soldier lost his head during a fire fight and ran for cover some distance from the action. He had not only lost his prized beret but had also lost his webbing and weapon. He was crouched down behind a wall when he felt a hand grip his shoulder and heard a calming American voice behind him say, "What the f*ck do you think you"re doing here, soldier? Think of your regiment...get back there and do what you"re paid to do." The young soldier got himself back under control and said, "Sorry, mate, you"re right." The voice behind him bellowed, "MATE? I am an American Officer!" The young soldier replied, "Sorry, Sir, I didn"t realise I"d run back that far."
