A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery. He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid. The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me. We've never had much in this family, we've always been poor. You know, I couldn't even afford to marry your mother." "What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I'm. Well a bastard?" "Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."
A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just **** in the air filter'. She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?'
How To Start The Day Feeling Really Good Open a new file on your computer. Entitle it 'Housework.' Place it in the Recycle Bin. Empty the Recycle Bin. Your computer will ask you, 'Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?' Answer 'Yes' and click the left mouse button firmly. Now you feel much better.
you know the ads that say "as seen on t.v."....well it came in handy as i just sold some dust to a mug on e-bay
Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them. Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up.... and all the other bells started to ring
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time on Christmas Eve and asks, "Do you have any Turkeys?" The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only Turkey and puts it on the weighing scales. It weighs 1.5 kg. The woman looks at the Turkey and the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?" The butcher puts the Turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he craftily keeps his thumb on the scale pan. The scales now show 2 kg. "That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out. I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."
The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for Her. As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs.. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta Love Grandmas
A man goes into the confessional at his local church. The priest pulls back the slide and says "What have you to confess, my son?" The man says "I'm sleeping with an eighteen year old girl, and I'm eighty years old." The priest says "Have you been to confession before" "No", says the man, "I'm Jewish" The priest asks him, "Then why are you telling this?" The jew says, "I'm telling everyone, wouldn't you?"
well with christmas over for another year, seeing the grand kids opening their presents reminded me of when i was a kid....running down the stairs screaming "has he been,has he been?" then remembering that we wasn't allowed to open anything anyway till dad had been for a ****
Two boys were talking and the one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want." The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret." The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10." The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15." The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
My wife has requested that when I'm receiving a blow job she would appreciate it if I told her when I'm about to come. Do you think that I should phone her, or would a text suffice?
The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination, he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was have sex. Well, this was not good news to the cardinals, who argued about it at length. Finally, they went to the Pope with the doctor and explained the situation. After some thought, the Pope stated, “I agree, but under four conditions.” The cardinals were amazed and there arose quite an uproar. Over the noise, a single voice asked, “And what are the four conditions?” The room stilled. There was a long pause. The Pope replied, “First, the girl must be blind, so that she cannot see who she is having sex with. Second, she must be deaf, so that she cannot hear who she is having sex with. And third, she must be dumb so that if somehow she figures out who she is having sex with, she can tell no one.” After another long pause, a voice arose and asked, “And the fourth condition?” The Pope replied, “Big tits.”
