Christmas Dinner.... I have concluded that the inevitable stress of Christmas dinner is created by adverts, supermarkets and TV chefs... It's a Sunday dinner for f*cks sake!!! We do it quite happily 51 weeks of the year but can we the consumers be trusted to manage by ourselves on one day of the year...apparently not! Here goes... 1. Turkey... It's a big f*cking chicken that's all, 20 minutes per lb plus 20 minutes at 180 degrees - jobs a good un! Get yourselves a meat thermometer £3 off the Internet poke it in the offending bird if it says 75 degrees or over its cooked! 2. Stuffing - regardless of what Jamie Oliver says you do NOT need 2lbs of shoulder of pork, onions breadcrumbs,pine nuts and a **** load of fresh herbs to make stuffing....( no f*cking wonder he's bankrupt if thats what he spends to make stuffing!) What you need is Paxo and a kettle!! If you wanna liven it up squeeze 3 sausages out of their skins and mix that in with your Paxo before cooking . 3. Gravy - Jamie Oliver is copping for this one aswell.... Bisto Jamie.... All you need is Bisto! I ( nor any other person I know) has got time on Christmas Eve to p*ss about roasting chicken wings and vegetables, adding stock and flour, cooking it for another half hour, mashing it all up with a potato masher and then straining the whole sorry mess to make gravy 4. Vegetables... Never mind faffing round shredding sprouts and frying them with bacon and chestnuts to make them more palatable... If you don't like them don't buy and cook the f*cking things!! If your family only eats frozen peas then that's good enough! 5. Roast potatoes... Yes I par boil mine then roast them in goose fat but Aunt Bessie also does the same . 6. Trimmings /Christmas pudding and the like.... Aldi or Lidl! (oh and while we're on the subject of pudding- if birds custard is what your family likes on the wretched thing then that's fine - you do not need brandy butter /rum sauce etc or anything else that costs a f*cking fortune and takes 2 hours to make!) 7. Family.... Children.. Feed the little blighters first separately, if they only want turkey with tomato sauce - fine leave em to it, it doesn't matter. Once they are fed bugger them off to play with their Christmas presents so that YOU can enjoy your dinner in Peace! Adults... Anyone that can manage to get their sorry arse to your dinner table is also capable of helping to serve up/ sort the kids out/ clear the table /wash up /dry up etc. And Finally..... NO ONE.... And I mean no one APART FROM THE COOK IS ALLOWED TO GET P*SSED AND FALL ASLEEP BEFORE THE WASHING UP IS DONE!!! Well done for reading it all Rant over
As an ex chef, I can relate to all of the above but must admit to doing much of it myself. I agree with you, Roger, it is only one meal after all. Have a happy Christmas, before someone steals it from you
Also an ex chef, **** the yankee turkey bollox, roast beef and yorkies. Simplest meal in the world. I cook, I drink, I do not wash up. Happy Christmas.
An American tourist stood by watching an Irish farmer dig and turn over the soil. Eventually he called ‘Hey, pal,what’s that your doing? I’m digging up potatoes sir,’ ‘Potatoes? Those tiny things? You call them potato’s? Back home in Milwaukee we have potatoes 10 times that size!’ “Yes sir, But you see, we only grow them to fit our mouths!”
Sixth-grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?" Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!" Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand. "Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye." "Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
How was your blind date?" A college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner."
i only use the public library to access the computers and i always leave the search page open on "how to clean spunk of your keyboard"
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?" The assistant replied, "No. It kills them!"
