A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales." He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised.. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."
the wife bought a pair of them tortoise shell patent leather shoes big mistake,.... took her an hour to leave the shop
I man walks into a bar looking depressed The bartender asks what’s up The man replied I’ve just caught my wife having sex with my best friend What did you do I told her to get out And what about your best friend I looked him square in the eyes and said BAD DOG if the reverend Brizzy don't like this joke i know the rest of you will
One day a bus driver went to the bus garage started his bus and drove off along the route. No problem for the first few stops, a few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well. At the next stop, however,a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet height, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, “ Big John doesn't have to pay! The driver was five feet three,thin, and basically meek. Naturally,he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened. Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that.. This went on and the driver started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building course, karate, judo and all that stuff. By the end of the summer,he had become quite strong and the big thing is that he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday when Big John once again got on the bus and said, “Big John doesn't pay!” The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger and screamed, “And why not?” With a surprised look on his face Big John replied, “ Big John has a bus pass."
Hold it firmly in your hand Put it in your mouth Lick it to straighten it If that doesn’t work suck it Now you can put it in the hole Threading a needle is so hard
"Is that the Ballycashel Echo?" asks Mick. "How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?" "Five pounds an inch," a woman replies. "Why? What are you selling?" "A ten-foot ladder," said Mick before slamming the phone down.
Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office. The ATO auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
