Jokes
- Thread starter ellandback
- Start date
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A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week.
Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn"t mind doing the confessions whilst he"s away.
Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman.
"You must do five hail marys, and polish the church door brass."
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job.
After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a mans cock in the handbook and wonders what to do.
He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "a bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."
Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn"t mind doing the confessions whilst he"s away.
Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, "forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn."
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sexual desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman.
"You must do five hail marys, and polish the church door brass."
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a blow-job.
After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of sucking a mans cock in the handbook and wonders what to do.
He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, "psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a blow-job?"
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, "a bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat."
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My girlfriend has told me to remove any of my Facebook friends with bigger tits than her or its over. I'm gonna miss Bill,Colin & Pete.
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It's sad that Andy Murray got knocked out of Wimbledon but think of his poor Grandad who won't be able to live in his bag any more.
a bloke in my pub has a really bad stutter and he was telling us a story last night about his nan, within a couple of minutes everyone was singing "hey jude"
a lad at school tells all his class he is jesus and they all take the piss, so to prove it he invites them all for tea after school..his dad comes home from work and shouts "jesus christ what are all these kid's doing here"
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felt a bit down lately, the wife said i needed a new interest so she enrolled me in her bridge club....i jump off next week
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brisbane-lion
Well-Known Member
I was in bed with a woman and she said what a huge cock I had. She was pulling my leg.
"Mom," he said, "the other boys at school are using two words I don't understand. Can you tell me what they mean?"
"Certainly," Mom said. "What are they?"
"Pussy and bitch.."
Mom inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
Craig thanked his mother, and ran out the door. But something about his mother's explanation bothered him.
So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage. "Dad," Craig said, "the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
"Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you. "He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold and drew a circle around the pubic area.
"Everything inside the circle is pussy," he said.
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle."
"Certainly," Mom said. "What are they?"
"Pussy and bitch.."
Mom inhaled sharply, but recovered quickly.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "A pussy is a cat, like our little Chico. A bitch is a female dog, like our Sandy."
Craig thanked his mother, and ran out the door. But something about his mother's explanation bothered him.
So he sought out his father. Dad was in the garage. "Dad," Craig said, "the guys at school are using words I don't understand."
"What words, son?"
"Pussy and bitch. I asked Mom, but I don't think she told me the right meanings."
"Son, never ask your mother about these things. Ask me. Let me explain what they mean for you. "He pulled a Playboy from his workbench, turned to the centerfold and drew a circle around the pubic area.
"Everything inside the circle is pussy," he said.
"Okay, Dad. Then what's a bitch?"
"Everything outside the circle."
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Bought a campervan from a Japanese opera singer it was a Nissan Dormobile