1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Jokes

Discussion in 'Leeds United' started by ellandback, Jun 25, 2019.

  1. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
    asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
    from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
    The florist was pleased and left the shop.

    When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
    'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

    Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill
    , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
    community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

    The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
    you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

    Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
    pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
    you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
    was very happy and left the shop.

    The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
    Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
     
    #4521
    Gessa, stonkin and 2 pennth like this.
  2. oldschool

    oldschool Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2020
    Messages:
    6,586
    Likes Received:
    14,028
    Often wondered why the flat earth society has branches all AROUND the globe!
     
    #4522
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  3. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2011
    Messages:
    4,786
    Likes Received:
    2,812
    And probably claimed travelling expenses to get there.
     
    #4523
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  4. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    its the norm for the tossers on both sides running us me me me
     
    #4524
  5. ristac

    ristac Well-Known Member Forum Moderator

    Joined:
    Jun 23, 2011
    Messages:
    27,795
    Likes Received:
    31,985
  6. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4526
    Gessa and FORZA LEEDS like this.

  7. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4527
    Gessa, FORZA LEEDS and Brizzlewhite like this.
  8. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4528
    Gessa likes this.
  9. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4529
  10. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4530
    Gessa likes this.
  11. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    please log in to view this image
     
    #4531
    Gessa and wakeybreakyheart like this.
  12. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.
    The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
    They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
    'Do you want to go up or down?'
    All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
    When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
    They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
    He again asked the lady, 'Up or down?'
    There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
    This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.
    She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
    The woman replied, 'Down.'
    A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,’ Up or down ?'
    She replied, 'Up.'
    This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
    'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now, today, nothing!'
    She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown...
     
    #4532
    wakeybreakyheart likes this.
  13. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    Bob the builder goes up to a girl in a nightclub and says, "I have an 8 inch dick and can shag all night"... After a few beers she takes Bob home with her.
    The next morning she says, "You said you had an 8 inch dick and could last all night. Instead you have a 5inch dick and lasted 3 minutes"...
    Bob replies "I'm a builder love. It was an estimate"...
     
    #4533
  14. brisbane-lion

    brisbane-lion Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2011
    Messages:
    4,786
    Likes Received:
    2,812
    But did Bob do it? Yes he did!! <laugh><laugh>
     
    #4534
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  15. oldschool

    oldschool Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Dec 31, 2020
    Messages:
    6,586
    Likes Received:
    14,028
    I only really eat apples but I like to put them in the freezer for a while because I'm proper hardcore
     
    #4535
    Makemstine Roger likes this.
  16. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    3,608
  17. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    3,608
  18. xbpod

    xbpod Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2012
    Messages:
    1,931
    Likes Received:
    3,608
  19. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
    To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
    About 90 students raise their hands.
    "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
    About 40 students raise their hands.
    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
    About 15 students raise their hand.
    "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
    Three students raise their hands.
    "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
    Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
    The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
    claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
    The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
    When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
    Ahmed replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
     
    #4539
    FORZA LEEDS likes this.
  20. Makemstine Roger

    Makemstine Roger Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    69,158
    Likes Received:
    147,544
    The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing !

    The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

    During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock ?"

    All the men stood up.

    "No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock ?"

    All the women stood up.

    "No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them ?"

    Half the women stood up.

    "No, no", he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock ?"

    All the nuns, three altar boys, and a goat stood up.......
     
    #4540
    FORZA LEEDS likes this.

Share This Page