Jokes
- Thread starter ellandback
- Start date
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I found £20 in Sainsbury’s today.
I Didn’t know whether to hand it in or not, so I thought to myself "being as it’s Easter what would Jesus have done ?"
I turned it into wine
I Didn’t know whether to hand it in or not, so I thought to myself "being as it’s Easter what would Jesus have done ?"
I turned it into wine
I think it's funny when dogs hide under the bed when they're scared.
I'm like "you idiot, that's the first place monsters go."
I'm like "you idiot, that's the first place monsters go."
3 days ago I got a pass-code lock that takes a picture whenever someone enters the wrong code to look in my phone.
So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.
So far I have 26 pictures of drunk me.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"
Last night, my wife woke me up.. *Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!* So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and saw the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "What happened?"
I said, "The arrow missed and hit your f*cking mother!"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and saw the most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen. Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "What happened?"
I said, "The arrow missed and hit your f*cking mother!"
My wife and I were on the beach when she said "lets make love in the sea"
"Ok" I said "As long as we don't go very deep because I cant swim"
A little while later she giggled and said "Do you think anybody will know what we are doing" "Probably" I said ….as another wave broke over my ankles!!
"Ok" I said "As long as we don't go very deep because I cant swim"
A little while later she giggled and said "Do you think anybody will know what we are doing" "Probably" I said ….as another wave broke over my ankles!!
An elderly Irish woman of advanced age visited her doctor to ask his advice on reviving her husband's lagging libido.
'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said... "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra."
"What's this Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.
"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!" she exclaimed. "T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean it wasn't good?"
"It was the best I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!....
'What about trying Viagra?" asked the doctor.
"Not a chance," she said... "He won't even take an aspirin."
"Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an "Irish Viagra."
"What's this Irish Viagra?" she asked.
"You drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
A week later she called the doctor, who asked her about the results.
"Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!" she exclaimed. "T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!"
"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye! With one swoop of his arm, he sent cups and tablecloth flying, then ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there on the tabletop! T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor, "Do you mean it wasn't good?"
"It was the best I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!....
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