**** jokes thread

[Burly Hurley]

A duck walks into a bar, walks up to the barman.
Got any bread?
No.
Got any bread?
No.
Got any bread?
No.
Got any bread?
No.
Got any bread?
Look!! The next time you ask for bread I'm gonna nail your bill to the bar!
Got any nails?
No.
Got any bread?

 

[seabreeze]

Horse walks into a bar and the bartender says " Why the long face "

 

[FosseFilberto]

Why do elephants paint their testicles red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.


What's the loudest noise in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries.

 

["Thanks for that Brian"]

A man walks into a bakers..............

"Can I have a wasp, please?"

"Sorry sir, this is a bakers. We don't sell wasps."

"Really? You've got some in your window."

 

[PowerSpurs]

Why do elephants wear sandals?

To stop them sinking in the sand.

Why do ostriches put their heads in the sand?

To check for elephants who forgot their sandals.

 

[PowerSpurs]

Elvis climbed out of the swimming pool for the tenth time. Priscilla asked what was going on. Elvis replied "I can't help falling in, love"

 

[PowerSpurs]

How do you get four elephants in a mini?

Two in the back, two in the front.

How do you get a giraffe in a mini?

You can't as it's full of elephants.

 

[PowerSpurs]

what do you call Bob the Builder if he is sacked?

Bob

 

[PowerSpurs]

A duck was standing by a road. A chicken ran up and said don't cross mate, you'll never hear the last of it.

 

[PowerSpurs]

A man walked up to the ticket office and asked for a return ticket. Where to? Here of course....

 

[Dier Hard]

Drove into the back of another car today.
A dwarf got out and said: "I'm not happy!"
I replied: "Well which one are you then?"

 

[Dier Hard]

I asked my Welsh mate how many sexual partners has he had.

He started counting and then fell asleep.

 

["Thanks for that Brian"]

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?

 

[Libby]

NASA is currently examining the planet Mars in order to work out why it has changed from warm and wet to cold and dry.

Maybe it got married.

 

[Libby]

Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen or heard from again.

The McCanns have offered to help.

 

[The Ginger Marks]

My butcher is a dwarf, I said to him "I bet you £50 you can't reach the meat on the top shelf". "No chance" he said, "The steaks are too high".

 

[The Ginger Marks]

Last night I saw this chap sitting in an AA van with his head in his hands sobbing relentlessly. "I thought he's heading for another breakdown".

 

[thefanwithnoname]

Why is it a bad idea to take @Spurlock to jamaica?

Him shouting harry Kane would start a panic

 

[The Ginger Marks]

Why would it be a mistake to take Bell to Basingstoke?

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[remembercolinlee]

Were ar

What does a cannibal do after he's dumped his girlfriend.


Wipes his arse.