**** jokes thread

The Mrs just walked in on me wearing her clothes

No surprises really

She's always wearing her clothes

 

When my wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees I didn't believe her.


But then I saw her face

 

My wife is a hopeless cook and made me some chocolate brownies. She said to me "taste one and be brutally honest". I said "They are ****ing **** you fat useless ****".

 

I went to buy teepee on an Indian reservation, when I asked if it came with running water the guy told me to **** off and find my own wife

 

My laptop’s ****ed. It keeps playing ‘Chasing Pavements’ on a loop. Think it’s a Dell.

 

What does a cannibal do after he's dumped his girlfriend.


Wipes his arse.

 

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I'm crying!!!

 

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?




Dr dre

 

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers.

 

Bloke goes to the Doctors because he's got a problem with his ears.
'Can you describe the symptoms' says the Doctor.
'Homer is the fat bloke who eats donuts, and his wife Marge has got blue hair' he replies.

 

I just got thrown out of B&Q after some dickhead in an orange apron came up to me and asked if I wanted decking

Luckily I got my punch in first.

 

A man with a lisp has just written a book about Ethics

His next book is about Kent.

 

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said,"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mum, as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mum."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to £121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things, too."

 

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

 

What's orange and sounds like a parrot

A carrot

 

What do you call a man with a forest on his head?

Edward

 

I started a company making little statues of Mohammed. Business is slow but we're making small prophets.