Off Topic Jokes thread

  • Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
  • Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!
An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.
The barman replied "You"re American aren"t you?"
The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"
The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest fcuk I have ever seen."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
A ventriloquist is touring his act, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde shouts, Ive heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What does the colour of a persons hair have to do with their worth as a human being? Its men like you who keep woman like me from being respected!

The red faced ventriloquist begins to apologise, but the blonde shouts, you stay out of this i'm talking to that little sh*t sitting on your knee
 
One evening a priest was sitting on a pew at the front of his church, quietly praying to the Lord.
A hot blonde suddenly came in and the priest asked her, "what can I do for you, my child?"
The blonde immediately jumped on him and said, "I want you now! Take me!""I beg your pardon?" the priest exclaimed.
"Fcuk me now," she said, "fcuk me hard up the bum!"
The priest by now was sweating and trembling at the sight of the blonde lifting up her blouse revealing a pair of huge tits.
"But, my child, you are in the house of the Lord!" the priest desperately replied.
"I don"t care, take this horny virgin now you sexy son of a bitch!" the blonde exclaimed finally.
The priest, now shaking, sweating terribly and feeling himself go hard, turned towards the front of the church and, looking up to the Lord, he cried
"Jesus Christ, help me - what should I do?"
"DON"T JUST STAND THERE YOU STUPID IDIOT, GET ME OFF THIS FcuKING CROSS!" he replied.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he"s pulled over by the police.
The police officer approaches him and asks, "Have you been drinking Sir?"
"No. Why?" replies the man.
"Was I all over the road?"
"No," replies the officer,
"You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
My mate is flogging Welsh DVD's. Anyone want any?

He's got:

Nine and a Half Leeks
Trefforest Gump
The Lost Boyos
Dai Hard
Sheepless in Seattle
Dai's of Thunder
The Magic Rhonddabout
Independence Dai
and of course, the classic - The Sheepshag Redemption!
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
One of the presenters on Children in Need just said, "Pick up your phone and pledge."

I'm still sitting here, with the phone in one hand and a can of furniture polish in the other, wondering what the fcuk I'm supposed to do next?
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
A son from a poor family wins five million pounds on the lottery.
He goes home and gives his dad five hundred quid.
The old man looks at the cash and says, "thanks, son, this money will mean a lot to me.
We"ve never had much in this family, we"ve always been poor.
You know, I couldn"t even afford to marry your mother."
"What!" exclaims the son, "you mean I"m.......well.......a bastard?"
"Yep," replies his dad, "and apparently a fcuking tight one, too."
 
  • Like
Reactions: devonFRATTONiser and Wooperts_duck
CREATING A PASSWORD

cabbage
Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
boiledcabbage
Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
1 boiled cabbage
Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
50fuckingboiledcabbages
Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
50FUCKINGboiledcabbages
Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
50FuckingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse.IfYouDon’t GiveMeAccessImmediately
Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
NowIAmGettingReallyPissedOff50FuckingBoiledCabbage sShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessImmediately

Sorry, that password is already in use.
 
  • Like
Reactions: devonFRATTONiser
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back