Off Topic Jokes thread

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A man and his camel lost in the desert.
He has plenty of food and plenty of water, however he is getting really horny.
He tries ****ing but this becomes unsatisfying after a while. So he decides to shag his camel.
He tries doggy but the camel is too tall, he tries spooning but gets sand on his dick, he even tries missionary but he can't hold the camel properly.
He finally gives up. Just then he notices a beautiful woman running naked across the desert being chased by 3 men with swords.
She shouts to him, "Save my life and I will do anything for you."
So he gets his gun and shoots the men.
The woman approaches him and demurely says, "Well, what can I do for you?"
After a moment's thought, the man replies, "Please hold my camel's legs open!"
 
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I had just spent two hours mowing the lawn and came in to make a sandwich sweating like a gerbil in a gay bar, the wife had just finished watching some historical documentary.

"The world really is a better place since the abolition of slavery and the womens rights movement" She commented.

I'd like to think that when she regains consciousness she will understand the value of timing.
 
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I'd just flown in to Heathrow and was waiting with every-one else at the baggage claim.
Suddenly there was a bit of a commotion and a man shouted "Help - some-body help, my wife has collapsed"
I immediately ran over and, indeed, a woman had fainted and was lying on the ground unconscious.
I quickly grabbed her under both arms and shouted to her husband "Grab her legs man!"
"What are we going to do?" he asked

I said

"Chuck her on the carousel - she'll soon come round again"
 
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How about some "ARSEICONS?"

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb Arse
 
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We went to a wife swapping party last night. Car keys in a bowl - that sort of thing.
One woman caught my eye - blonde, mid 30s, high heels, short dress and huge tits.
Couldn't believe it when she picked out my keys.
I sat there with my tongue hanging out as she seductively wiggled over to me, pressed a hot mouth against my ear and said
"I am NOT shagging any man who drives a Nissan Micra."
 
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Sister Mary Catherine and Sister Mary Elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by two thugs. Their habits are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

Sister Mary Catherine casts her eyes heavenward and cries "Forgive him Lord, for he knows not what he is doing!" Mary Elizabeth turns and says "Mine does..."
 
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Be on the lookout for a new breed of 'Evil Manc' computer viruses that could seriously affect / infect your PC.

There are many varieties of this virus, each affecting your computer in a different way. Details of each Variant of this virus are shown below.

The Manchester United Virus - This where the computer develops a memory disorder and forgets about every thing before 1993.

The Manchester United shirt virus - Designed to drain your bank account This one is especially hard to detect as it changes its format every three months.

The David Beckham virus - This affects newer computers mainly. The computer looks great, all the lights are on, but nothing works.

The Roy Keane virus - Throws you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson virus - The computer develops a continuous whining noise. The on screen clock runs a lot slower than all the other computers in the building.

The Solskjaer virus - Will take numerous attempts to get into the net often failing completely.

The Ryan Giggs virus - The computer develops a processor problem whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuations in performance.

Laurent Blanc virus - Makes your Computer go really slow and Creates big holes in your Hard-Drive!

The Phil Neville virus - The worst of all, ruins all memory of basic functions and programmes, randomly delivering data to the wrong goal. Also weakens all communications within the network
 
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A little old lady's phone rings late one night and she answers it. "Hello" a deep voice on the other end says "I know you, you'd like me to push you down on the bed and rip all your clothes off, lick your body all over and make rough love to you". The old lady looks at the phone blushing in amazement and replies "Wow. You can tell all this from a single 'Hello?'"
 
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I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter. We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double. "What's that?" I asked. "It's a mother and daughter threesome" she said. I said "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs "Mum, you still awake?"
 
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This woman is walking past a brothel, when she notices a sign which reads

Celebrity Sex

Wayne Rooney £500 per night

Andrew flintoff £700 per night

Father Christmas £2000 per night

So she goes in to enquire about the price list, the manager tells her that the reason wayne rooney is so cheap is because he 'dribbles before he shoots',
and the reason that andrew flintoff is cheap is because 'once he's in , you can't get him out' , then she asks
" why is father christmas so expensive?", and the manager says
" well , he only comes once a year , but he'll fill yer stockings"
 
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A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face". James replied "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it. She would kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't" he replied. "She loves it". The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in. That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face and said "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here. My husband will be home soon".
 
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