Do you want to join the Alzheimer's protest march? If so, learn the chant... "What do we want?" "I don't know!" "When do we want it?" "Want what?"
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, and Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asked The Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword. The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!" The emperor then 'issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!" Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, said "Very ambitious, but why Is That gnat not dead?" The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said "Circumcision is not meant to kill!"
A friend of mine went on holiday to Canada He logged onto facebook on his iphone and went onto chat. Me: So how's it going over there Friend: OK - I'm looking for a nice bar to go into. M: So what'll you have - a Molson? F: No - don't fancy a beer. I think I'll try a whiskey and ginger ale. M: Canada Dry I assume F: No, it's pissing down. That's why I'm looking for a bar.
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. There was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die". The men left the doctor's office; each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar. The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the smoker and said "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead.
I remember a day when the biggest sporting rivalry in Birmingham was the football local derby, between Birmingham City and Aston Villa. These days this has been overtaken. The biggest sporting rivalry in Birmingham these days, is unfortunately, the cricket match between India and Pakistan.
If anyone suffers sexual impotence like I did, you should try a little trick given to me by a hypnotist. He told me to go to bed 20 minutes earlier than your partner before sex, blank the mind of absolutely everything and repeat over and over again ... "She is not my fat unattractive wife, she is not my fat unattractive wife .."
Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England .. At the station, the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies. "Watch and learn, bro," answers one of the Maoris. They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So, after the game, they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station for the return trip, the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment, the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all!! "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Maori. "Watch and learn, bro, " answers an Aussie. When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet, and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train duly departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket please."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Get lost!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money," and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure all over the hallway carpet. He continued, "And if this vacuum cleaner doesn't remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat what's left." "Well," the old lady said, "I hope you've got a f*****g good appetite, because the power got cut off this morning."
This is pretty damn amazing. Mine turned out to be "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the maths! Try this test and find out what movie is your favourite. This amazing maths quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works! Movie Test: Pick a number from 1-9. Multiply by 3. Add 3. Multiply by 3 again. Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favourite movie in the list of 18 movies below. Movie List: 1. Gone With The Wind 2. E.T. 3. Beverly Hills Cop 4. Star Wars 5. Forrest Gump 6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly 7. Jaws 8. Grease 9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Sheep 10. Casablanca 11. Jurassic Park 12. Shrek 13. Pirates of the Caribbean 14. Titanic 15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark 16. Home Alone 17. Mrs. Doubtfire 18. Toy Story Go on admit it – It’s right every time isn't it.....?
Thought I'd seen the end of the Trick or Treaters after I'd poured a bucket of piss over the last lot from my upstairs window, but, **** me, within five minutes two much older looking kids knocked on the door and got the same treatment. I'd love to see them explain the smell when they take those police costumes back to the fancy dress shop.
Lionel Messi walks up to a woman in a bar and says, "Get your coat sweetheart. You've pulled." The woman replies, "Wow. You're a little forward aren't you?"
A man walks into a bar with a crocodile. Bartender says 'you can't have that in here, it'll scare everyone away' 'But he does tricks' the man said 'wanna see' So the man takes a hammer out of his backpack , puts his dick in the croc's mouth and smacks the croc on the head with the hammer. The croc shuts it's mouth and sucks the man's cock like a vacuum cleaner. 'Mmmmmm' says the man 'see, I told you' 'Wow, that's amazing' said the bartender 'I guess you can have a drink' After a couple of beers the man turns around to the rest of the people in the bar 'Anyone else want a go' he said An old man in the corner said 'Sure, I'll have a go, but can you not hit me so hard"
A lesbian goes to a nutritionist because she has indigestion. The nutritionist says, "It's simple - you are what you eat." So the lesbian turns to her and says, "Are you calling me a ****?"
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?" Murphy said "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat!" The priest said "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all". With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell, eh?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat!"
I got out of the shower and my wife said, "Ooo look, it's like a penis... only smaller." I said, "Ooo look, it's like my secretary... only fatter and less flexible."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my Mum or my Dad, or my older brother Tom, or my younger brother Ho Wan Choi. But I think it's Tom.
I was working late when I got a call from the wife. "Are you still there?" she said. "Yep." "You'd better not be shagging that sodding secretary again, you bastard!" "No, of course not." "When are you going to come home then?" "I'm gonna come in a minute." "Good." "Sorry, but I wasn't talking to you."
Sick of having your house burgled? Save money on home security by simply writing the words "Job Centre" on your front door.
Paddy and Murphy are on a building site. Murphy's operating the crane and accidentally lets a load of bricks drop from 20', cutting Paddy's left ear off. The pair of them are searching through the debris when Murphy finds an ear. 'Here, is this your ear, Paddy" 'Nah' he said 'Mine had a pencil behind it"
Paddy came up to Mick with a bruised face. Mick asked him "Did you try that chat-up technique I suggested?" Paddy replied "What - saying things like 'Is your skin silk' or 'Is your hair velvet'?" "Yeah; how did you get on? And why the bruise?" "When I asked 'Can your lap be satin' and 'Can your tits be felt', she slapped me."
