Some years ago, a Russian oil baron who had six children, all girls, began to despair as he had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with a son and heir. Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the baron took him to one side and said, “Son, I am very proud of you. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” Not wanting to do anything by halves, his father bought him United Airlines. Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.” Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines. Just before his son’s eighth birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you bring so much happiness into my life. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to be able to watch cartoons.” Not wanting to look a cheapskate, his father bought him Disney Studios and their theatres, where he watched all his favourite cartoons. Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the baron took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I shall get for you.” His son, who was by now really into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.” Not wanting to appear to be tight, his father bought him Chelsea Football club.
A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of the Outback. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the sellers, the blonde shouted; "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll get lucky and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the seller is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in total amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out; "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"
The Prostate Check-up The Doctor finished doing my prostate check and then he left the room. A nurse came in and whispered the three words every man dreads to hear: "Who was that?"
I saw a van with a bumper sticker saying "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal". Suddenly I realised how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.
Liverpool city centre was eerily quiet today. The scousers must have heard there's a job opening there.
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession: Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old girl." Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?" Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." Father: "Then why are telling me all this?" Man: "Father, I’m telling everybody!"
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Wolverhampton in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Whitmore Reans. Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "fukinelll". The hurricane decimated the area causing almost 30 pounds worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Wolverhampton FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Wolverhampton . One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) stilettos White sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans KFC Ice cream Cans of Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms 2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine 5 buys ***s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **BREAKING NEWS** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut... "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Bilston" said the girl, wot's that gotta do wi yow?"
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, 'But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect. Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect. Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success, and failure are inherited. Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash. Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise. I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him. I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances. "Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No" replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".
"Newcastle United About as much chance of staying up as an erection in Susan Boyle’s bedroom" The only exception there is if it's Susan Boyle's erection
A guy goes into a brothel and finds a lift at the end of a wide foyer. He gets in and presses the button for the 1st floor. When the door of the lift opens, he sees a sign ahead of him on the wall: 'Sweet English Girls'. Thinking this looks promising, he presses the button for the 2nd floor and when the door opens, he sees a sign ahead of him on the wall: 'Dirty East Bloc Girls'. He then presses the button for the 3rd floor and when the door opens, he sees a sign ahead of him on the wall: 'Wild Eurobabes'. He then presses the button for the 4th floor and when the door opens, he sees a sign ahead of him on the wall: 'Horny Asian Girls'. He then presses the button for the 5th floor and when the door opens, he sees a sign ahead of him on the wall: 'Big Black Girls'. He then presses the button for the 6th floor and when the door opens, he sees a sign ahead of him on the wall: 'Are you here for a shag or to ride the ****ing lift?'
A young fireman placed a ladder against the bedroom window of a burning house and rushed up. Inside was a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie. "Aha" said he "You're the second pregnant girl I've rescued this year!" "But I'm not pregnant!" the brunette indignantly exclaimed. "You're not rescued yet either..."
How temperature affects the mind! 40 degrees - Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Scotland sunbathe. 35 degrees - Italian cars won't start. People in Scotland drive with the windows down. 20 degrees - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats. People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt. 15 degrees - Californians begin to evacuate the state. People in Scotland go swimming in the sea. 0 degrees - New York landlords turn the heat on. People in Scotland have a last BBQ before it gets cold. -10 degrees - People in Miami are extinct. People in Scotland lick flagpoles. -20 degrees - Californians all now live in Mexico. People in Scotland throw on a light jacket. -80 degrees - Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival excercise until it gets cold enough. -100 degrees - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps. -173 degrees - Ethyl alcohol freezes. People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whisky kegs. -297 degrees - Microbial life starts to grind to a halt. Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands. -460 degrees - ALL atomic motion stops. People in Scotland start saying "A bit hill billy ... eh?" -500 degrees - Hell freezes over. Scottish people support England in the World Cup
What men and women say and what they really mean: What a woman says, what she really means... - I need = I want - We need = I want - It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now - Do whatever you want = You are going to pay for this later - We need to talk = I need to complain - Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to - I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! - You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot - You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? - I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I have a severe case of PMS - Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs - This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house - I want new curtains = I want new curtains, new carpeting, new furniture, new wallpaper... - I need new shoes = the other 40 pairs are simply the wrong shade - I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep - Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive - How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really going to hate - I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V. - Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful - You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me - Are you listening to me? = Too late, you're dead - Yes = No - No = No - Maybe = No - I'm sorry = You'll be sorry - I was wrong = Not as wrong as you - Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so you'd better get used to it - Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep - I'm not yelling! = Of course I'm yelling, this is important! What a man says, what he really means... - I'm hungry = I'm hungry - I'm tired = I'm tired - Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you - Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you - Would you like to dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you - Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you - Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! - You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you - What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psycho trauma are you going through now? - You look upset = I guess sex tonight is out of the question - Yes, I love your new hairstyle = I liked it better before - Yes, your haircut looks good = $50 and it doesn't even look different! - I like the first dress you tried on better = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go!
Man Utd's Chairman received a CV for Alex Ferguson's job. He has ignored it because it looked like it was written by a 4yr old...... That's was Harry Rednapp out of the frame then!!!!!
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed." The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
