Off Topic Jokes thread

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devonFRATTONiser

devonFRATTONiser

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Jan 25, 2011
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Ok let's cheer ourselves up with some jokes.

One or two liners are best as you can remember them to tell at work the next day!




I went to put some air in my car tyres at the petrol station, only to discover they were now charging 50p.
When I complained, saying it was free last time, the bloke said -

"Well that's inflation for you"

boom boom
 
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There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a great huge trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, watcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly as I burst into tears. "Come on man," the biker says "I didn't think you'd CRY. I cant stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. " I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put and end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve, and then you show up and drink the whole thing!
But that's enough about me, how's your day going?"
 
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A visitor to a mental hospital asks the director of the hospital how they define a patient as a case for admittance . The director says we show them a bath full of water and three implements , a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket , we then ask them to empty the bath. I see says the visitor, if they choose the bucket they're sane. No says the director, if they pull the plug out they're sane, where do you want your bed by the wall or the window?
 
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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'
 
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