1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

  1. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    25,483
    Likes Received:
    23,203
    Such an unfair world:- When a man talks dirty to a woman its considered sexual harassment.
    When a woman talks dirty to a man its $10.50/min (charges may vary).
     
    #21
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    I gave my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

    He said it was the most violent book he's ever read.
     
    #22
    Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    I start a new job in Seoul next week.

    I thought it was a good Korea move.
     
    #23
    Makemstine Roger and UTRs like this.
  4. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    25,483
    Likes Received:
    23,203
    Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one; but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided; if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
     
    #24
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    Police raided Kermit's lily pad and found 100s of nude pictures of Miss Piggy.

    They said it was the worst case of frogs porn ever seen.
     
    #25
  6. smhbcfc

    smhbcfc Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 26, 2011
    Messages:
    16,328
    Likes Received:
    10,405
    Yesterday, a feminist asked me how I view lesbian relationships.
    Apparently 'In HD' wasn't the correct answer
     
    #26
  7. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    25,483
    Likes Received:
    23,203
    I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
     
    #27
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    I went to a really emotional wedding the other day.
    Even the cake was in tiers.
     
    #28
    UTRs, 3rd eye and devonFRATTONiser like this.
  9. devonFRATTONiser

    devonFRATTONiser Well-Known Member
    Forum Moderator

    Joined:
    Jan 25, 2011
    Messages:
    8,064
    Likes Received:
    2,714
    I got run over a few weeks ago.

    When the Doctor came to see me on his rounds he asked me how I was feeling.

    "Tyred" I replied
     
    #29
    3rd eye and Wooperts_duck like this.
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    25,483
    Likes Received:
    23,203
    Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says,
    "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
    Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
    Paddy replies "No, I only live round the corner."
     
    #30
    3rd eye and Wooperts_duck like this.

  11. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
     
    #31
    Makemstine Roger, UTRs and 3rd eye like this.
  12. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    Clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstasy directly into their mouths.

    This dangerous process is known as 'E by gum'
     
    #32
  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    25,483
    Likes Received:
    23,203
    After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
     
    #33
    3rd eye and Wooperts_duck like this.
  14. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....
     
    #34
  15. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
    To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
    About 90 students raise their hands.
    "Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
    About 40 students raise their hands.
    "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
    About 15 students raise their hand.
    "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
    Three students raise their hands.
    "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
    Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
    The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever
    claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
    The Middle Eastern muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
    When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

    Ahmed replied, "S**t, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
     
    #35
    UTRs and 3rd eye like this.
  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    25,483
    Likes Received:
    23,203
    Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at Snooker…!
     
    #36
    Wooperts_duck and 3rd eye like this.
  17. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
    "Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced
    by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.
    Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

    "Sticks?" said Paddy.
     
    #37
    UTRs, 3rd eye and antipodean exile like this.
  18. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    130,663
    Likes Received:
    236,346
    I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came
    flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
    Got him a Fosters ....... he didn't like it - I had it.
    Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
    It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
    By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram........
     
    #38
    UTRs and 3rd eye like this.
  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    25,483
    Likes Received:
    23,203
    They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 1 minute and 15 seconds every 6 months is going to shift this 'beer gut'.
     
    #39
    3rd eye and Wooperts_duck like this.
  20. saintrichie123

    saintrichie123 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2011
    Messages:
    26,833
    Likes Received:
    30,062
    Girls night out......

    Two wife's go for a night out, both got drunk and then decided to walk home when they both had to pee.
    They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her knickers,the other grabbed a wreath of a grave.The next morning one of the husbands called the other and said "no more girls nights out! My wife came home with no knickers on"....
    The other husband said "you think that's bad? Mine came back with a card in her lady parts that read.....
    From all of us at the fire station ...we will never forget you".
     
    #40
    Wooperts_duck and 3rd eye like this.

Share This Page