A Ukrainian friend of mine has suddenly quit our human pyramid team.
Now we haven’t got Oleg to stand on......
Now we haven’t got Oleg to stand on......
Off Topic Jokes thread
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A Policewoman just stopped me and asked me to step out of the car.
"You're staggering", she said.
"You're not so bad yourself", I replied.
"You're staggering", she said.
"You're not so bad yourself", I replied.
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Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River.The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase!!!...
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'
'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the Parliament car park in Canberra.
'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an arsehole with a briefcase!!!...
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Went in my local green grocers and asked if he had any onions.
He said "I've got brown onions, green onions, yellow onions, white onions, salad onions, pickling onions, spring onions, Spanish onions, and red onions".
I said do you have any of those fancy little purple onions. He said "no, that's shallot".
He said "I've got brown onions, green onions, yellow onions, white onions, salad onions, pickling onions, spring onions, Spanish onions, and red onions".
I said do you have any of those fancy little purple onions. He said "no, that's shallot".
No Mention of Making Bacon Sandwiches Compulsory!!.....
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A security guard stopped me as I walked out of Tesco this morning.
"I believe you've got a bottle of Champagne inside your jacket," he said, "Would you mind opening it for me?"
"Not at all," I replied, "Have you got a couple of glasses?
"I believe you've got a bottle of Champagne inside your jacket," he said, "Would you mind opening it for me?"
"Not at all," I replied, "Have you got a couple of glasses?
I started doing some impressions of old TV detectives in the pub last night.
Telly Savalas aka Kojak, “Who loves ya baby?”
Peter Falk aka Colombo, "Just one more thing.”
Humphrey Bogart, “Play it again Sam.”
After a couple of others I noticed a young lady taking a lot of interest and asked her, “Would you like to see my Dick Tracy?”
She said, “Yes please, but my names not Tracy!”
Telly Savalas aka Kojak, “Who loves ya baby?”
Peter Falk aka Colombo, "Just one more thing.”
Humphrey Bogart, “Play it again Sam.”
After a couple of others I noticed a young lady taking a lot of interest and asked her, “Would you like to see my Dick Tracy?”
She said, “Yes please, but my names not Tracy!”
First, Horse meat found in Tesco burgers.
And now, camel toes found in Primark leggings.
And now, camel toes found in Primark leggings.
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An elderly man is in a hospital bed wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth...
He mumbles, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
The nurse lifts his gown, holds his penis in one hand, and his testicles in the other, takes a close look and says
"Nope, there's nothing wrong with them, sir."
The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at
her and says very slowly,
"Thanks for that. It was lovely, but listen very, very carefully..
Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"
He mumbles, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
The nurse lifts his gown, holds his penis in one hand, and his testicles in the other, takes a close look and says
"Nope, there's nothing wrong with them, sir."
The man pulls off the oxygen mask, smiles at
her and says very slowly,
"Thanks for that. It was lovely, but listen very, very carefully..
Are - My - Test - Results - Back?"