Off Topic Jokes thread

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A French police officer stops a Limerick man's car and asks if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Limerick man admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter was married just that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malt scotches there -after.
Quite upset, the police officer proceeds to breath test the Limerick man and verifies that he is indeed completely hammered.
He asks the Limerick man if he knows why, under French law, he is going to to be arrested.
The Limerick man answers "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is an Irish car and my wife is in the driver's seat on the other side?
 
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A confident man strolls into a bar and takes a seat next to a gorgeous woman. After a quick glance at her, he casually checks his watch.
Curious, the woman asks, “Waiting on someone?”
“No,” he replies smoothly. “I just got this high-tech watch, and I’m testing it out.”
Intrigued, she asks, “Oh? What’s so special about it?”
He grins. “It uses alpha waves to send me telepathic messages.”
“Oh really? And what’s it telling you right now?” she teases.
He smirks. “It says you’re not wearing any panties…”
The woman bursts out laughing. “Well, your fancy watch must be broken, because I am wearing panties!”
The man shakes his head and sighs. “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”
 
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In 1986, John Reid was on Safari in Kenya after graduating from Trinity College Dublin.
On a hike through the bush he came across a young bull elephant with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so John approached it carefully. He got down on one knee and somehow managed to inspect the elephant's foot of which he found there to be a piece of wood embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, John managed to work the wood out with his Bowie knife.
Then the elephant gingerly put down his foot.
The elephant turned to face the man with a curious look on its face and stared at him for a number of tense moments. John stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. John never forgot the elephant or the events that day.
Twenty years later John was walking through Dublin Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures walked over to near where John and his son Ricky were standing. The large bull elephant stared at John, lifted his front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, John couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. John summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped his trunk around John's left leg and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same ****ing elephant.
This is for everyone who posts bullshit heart warming stories on Facebook that mostly aren't true anyway
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