Off Topic Jokes thread

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An Englishman on a walk through the Welsh countryside bumps into a Welsh farmer and they start chatting;
Englishman: "That your dog?"
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Welshman: "Aye"
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'
Welshman: "It's a dog... It doesn't talk.”
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Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "I'm Doing all right thanks"
Welshman:
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Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
Dog: "Yep."
Englishman: How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."
Welshman:
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Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Welshman: "Its a horse...it doesn't talk.”
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Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"
Horse: "not too bad, neigh complaints"
Welshman:
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Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)
Horse: "Yep."
Englishman: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."
Welshman:
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Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Welshman: "That sheep's a F*CKING LIAR!!!”
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I got chatting with a girl in a bar, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Have you not got a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
""No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
 
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at a railway station in a state of inebriation just as The train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get The Englishman and The Scotsman aboard as The train pulled out. Then he turned to The Irishman and said, 'I'm sorry sir that I couldn't get you aboard The train.'
'My friends will be sorry too,' said The Irishman, 'they just came to see me off.'
 
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Don't forget winter will soon be upon us and our native birds are finding food scarce.
Please go to your local pet shop and buy a mesh feeder and a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
There is no finer sight on a winter's morning than a pair of tits around your nuts.
Just remember however, it's a bit too late in the year to expect a swallow.
 
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