Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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What do you get if you cross a football team with a flower seller?
Nottingham Florist
Nottingham Florist
My friend said an onion is the only food that will make you cry.
So I hit him with a coconut........
So I hit him with a coconut........
A man has a car accident and is taken to hospital
Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
".Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection , I also get a headache."
Just before he was put under, the surgeon dropped in to see him "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh God, no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc what's the good news?
"The good news is I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
".Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"Not only that," continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in water colors."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem" said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection , I also get a headache."
Friends are holding a joint Chinese New Year and Burns Night Party, and they're calling it "Chinese Burns Night."
I wasn't going to go, but they twisted my arm.
I wasn't going to go, but they twisted my arm.
Absolutely stunning, tall leggy blonde sat next to me. Stroked me hair, rubbed her long, gorgeous legs against mine and smiled at me.
Then she leaned over and whispered in my ear and said “ Hey, handsome. Would you like to have sex with me for £100? “
I answered “ Wow, I’d love to have sex with you love, but I couldn’t take money off you as well “
Then she leaned over and whispered in my ear and said “ Hey, handsome. Would you like to have sex with me for £100? “
I answered “ Wow, I’d love to have sex with you love, but I couldn’t take money off you as well “
