Off Topic Jokes thread

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I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night (as I often do) & I noticed a strange individual who looked like a terrorist with a knife in his hand, sneaking through my next door neighbour’s back garden.
Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.
He then dug a grave in the vegie patch and put the body in it and covered it.
Astonished, I got back into bed. As I tossed and turned
my wife said, "You're upset, what is it?"
"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said.
”What” she said
"That bastard next door has still got my shovel.".
 
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Quasimodo went to his doctor.
"How can I help you,' asked the doctor."
I just don't feel right,' replied Quasimodo
"OK,can you take off all your clothes and we'll try to find out what's wrong." said the doctor.
Quasimodo took off ten vests,eight shirts and fourteen jumpers.
''When was the last time you took off all your clothes?" asked the doctor.
"When I was at school" replied Quasimodo.
"Did you never wonder what happened to your school bag" replied the doctor.
 
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A guy with constipation is sat in the public toilets trying his best, after a few minutes he hears footsteps come rushing in, & the cubicle door next to him slams shut noisily,after a second or two he hears an almighty explosive sh#tting, f#rting noise.
He says " I wish I could do that "
The voice from the next cubicle says
"I bet you don't I couldn't get my trousers down in time "
 
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Little Johnny is visiting his Grandad on the farm ..
He races into the Farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Grandad :
"Hey Grandad , the bull is sh*gging the cow" ..
Grandad informs Johnny that he Won't tolerate this sort of "playground language" on his farm and that in future if Johnny wants to inform him about such things , he should say something like ,
"Grandad , the bull is 'surprising' the cow .."
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm ..
Once again he comes racing in and yells :
"Grandad the bull is surprising the cows .."
Grandad says to Johnny :
"I'm SO pleased to hear that after my conversation with you , a few weeks ago , you have cleaned up your language ..
However , your grammar is not quite correct ..
It is not "the bull is surprising the cows".
It is , "the Bull is surprising the cow" ..
The bull can only surprise ONE cow at a time"..
Johnny replies :
"No Grandad , the bull is REALLY surprising ALL the cows , because he's
Sh*gging the horse ...!!"
 
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