Off Topic Jokes thread

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Who am I? I used to think I was just an ordinary person, but I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, would seem to make me a racist.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.

I am heterosexual, which now makes me a homophobe.

I am mostly non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business.

I was Christened by my parents, which now labels me as an infidel.

I have always eaten whatever was put in front of me by my parents or my host, which makes my views on faddish food discrimination quite unacceptable.

I open doors for ladies which makes me a misogynistic, sexist, pig.

I am retired, which makes me useless.

I think and I reason, therefore I distrust much that the main stream media tells me; this makes me a reactionary.

I eschew social media since it reflects only opinions, mis-information and the madness of crowds; this makes me a blinkered dinosaur.

I am proud of my heritage, which makes me a xenophobe.

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I (and most of the people I know), acquired a fair education without student loan debts and little or no debt, which makes me some kind of an odd underachiever.

I believe in the defence and protection of my country and I honour those who served in the Armed Forces; this now makes me a right wing-militant.

Please help me come to terms with the new me... because I'm just not sure who the hell I am anymore!

Funny ...it’s all just taken place over the last 3 or 4 years! If all this wasn’t enough to deal with ... now I’m not even sure which toilet to go into.
 
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Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication. The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop,
'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.
'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.' Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence .'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin? **** me ... is it midnight already?'
 
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