1. Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!

Off Topic Jokes thread

Discussion in 'Portsmouth' started by devonFRATTONiser, Jan 25, 2015.

Page 747 of 1510
  1. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
    As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world.
    "I am entering" said Snow White. After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how.did you do?"
    "First Place," said Snow White.
    They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
    "I'm entering," says Superman. After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
    "First Place," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
    They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
    Pinocchio says "this is mine." Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
    "What happened?" they asked.
    "Who the hell is Donald Trump?" asked Pinocchio.
     
    #14921
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    antipodean exile likes this.
  2. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    My mate was telling me that last night whilst walking along, he was hit on the head by a couple of sausages.
    I said, "That's nothing! I got hit by 4 steaks, 2 pork chops and a leg of lamb."
    "What could it have been?" he asked.
    "I'm not sure but mine was definitely a meatier shower!"
     
    #14922
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    antipodean exile likes this.
  3. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    Disgraceful !

    please log in to view this image
     
    #14923
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    antipodean exile likes this.
  4. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14924
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    devonFRATTONiser likes this.
  5. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
    The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
    The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do . Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
    The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish, but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and is asleep."
    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
    The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
    The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick."
     
    #14925
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    antipodean exile likes this.
  6. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14926
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    antipodean exile likes this.
  7. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14927
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    antipodean exile likes this.
  8. Wooperts_duck

    Wooperts_duck Well-Known Member
    Staff Member

    Joined:
    Jan 30, 2011
    Messages:
    144,683
    Likes Received:
    263,737
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14928
    Wooperts_duck, Jul 10, 2020
    antipodean exile likes this.
  9. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14929
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  10. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14930
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck and devonFRATTONiser like this.

  11. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14931
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  12. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14932
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  13. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
    One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’
    The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’.
    Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.
    Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
    Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
     
    #14933
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  14. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    I’m feeling great becaiuse I entered a competition and won a year’s free supply of Marmite…one jar.
     
    #14934
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  15. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ”Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”.
    I said, ”Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.
     
    #14935
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  16. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth.
    It took him two hours to pass me the salt
     
    #14936
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  17. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    There was a man who entered a local paper’s pun contest..
    He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
     
    #14937
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck and devonFRATTONiser like this.
  18. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
     
    #14938
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
  19. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14939
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck and devonFRATTONiser like this.
  20. antipodean exile

    antipodean exile Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2012
    Messages:
    29,461
    Likes Received:
    27,639
    please log in to view this image
     
    #14940
    antipodean exile, Jul 11, 2020
    Wooperts_duck likes this.
Page 747 of 1510

Share This Page