Off Topic Jokes thread

  • A chap sees an advert in a pet shop window for a talking centipede, priced at 500 quid.
  • Thinking he"s found a bargain, he buys it and takes it home in a box.
  • After about 30 minutes, he opens the box and politeley asks if the centipede would like to go down the pub for a pint, but the centipede doesn"t answer, so a couple of minutes later, he asks again, but still no response.
  • He starts to get a bit pissed off, and thinking he"s been done he shouts the question again, at which the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time you twat,
  • I"m putting my fcuking shoes on!"
 
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WARNING!! SCAM ALERT

Keep an eye out for these two women. They're hanging around in and around Dunnes stores on the Childers Road Limerick and when you are putting your bags into the car they approach you asking for a lift to Chicken hut.
These girls are very convincing and quite attractive!
Once in your car one of them takes her clothes off while getting on top of you to distract you while the other takes your wallet.
I've had my wallet stolen now on the 2nd, 3rd and 4th, twice yesterday and probably two more times tomorrow.

Dunnes have wallets for sale for €3.99 but I've found some in Penny's for only €1.49 so have bought 4. Also, you never actually make it to Chicken hut so I've also lost 11lbs

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My son said, "Dad, when was the first time you fell in love?"
I said, "I was 18. I walked into a bar and spotted the
most gorgeous blonde I'd ever seen.
Cupid fired his arrow the second I saw her."
He said, "WOW…So what happened?"
I said, "Nothing son. Unfortunately the arrow missed
and hit your f*cking Mother."
 
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