A woman was breast feeding her baby, when she noticed the window cleaner watching her. Indignantly, she said, "what do you think you"re staring at?" He replied, apologetically, "when I was a baby, I was bottle fed so I was just fascinated." The woman says, "well, baby"s had enough but there"s some left if you want to find out what it"s like." The window cleaner climbed in through the window and started to feed. After a short time, the woman realised that she was becoming aroused and she asked, "would you like a little bit of some thing else?" He replied, "have you got a rusk?"
At a wedding ceremony, the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace. The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly. Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom's mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation. The pastor asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?" The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."
My wife phoned me, panting and breathless. "Where are you?" she moaned. "I'm at the pub." I replied. She said, "I think the baby's coming!" I said, "She won't get in,... she's under-age.!!
A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that?!" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce. I am going to hire the most aggressive, meanest divorce lawyer I can find and make your life miserable." "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more wintering in Key West, or the Caribbean, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Cadillac STS in the garage, and no more country club, and we'll have to sell the 26-‐room house and move to two smaller homes, but the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. "Who's that with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. The wife replies, "Ours is prettier."
I once told my wife she looked sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed her hand in the car door on purpose.
