Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
- I was driving on the motorway last week when I noticed a sign that said "Turnoff - 500 metres".
- Sure enough, 500 metres later, on the side of the road was my Granny with no knickers, lifting up her dress.
- A guy is sitting in a bar one evening on his own.
- He keeps catching the eye of a lady at the far end of the bar.
- This goes on for quite some time, before he musters up the courage to go over to her.
- "Hi, what brings a beautiful woman like you here?" he asks
- "I"ve broken up with my boyfriend, so I"m just sitting here drowning my sorrows.
- He said I was too dirty in the bedroom."
- "Wow, I"m here for the same reason - my girlfriend"s just thrown me out, said I was too filthy as well!"
- They sit drinking together for the rest of the evening.
- As she goes to leave, she asks if he"d like to come back to hers and he accepts.
- When they get back to her place she motions to the sofa and says, "I"ll be right out, just going to get ready."
- She goes into the bathroom and gets out her strap-on dildo, anal beads, whip, gimp outfit, Viagra, and a leather dominatrix outfit.
- When she comes out, the man is heading towards the door.
- "Where are you going?" she asks.
- "Well," says the man, "I"ve shagged your dog taken a dump in your handbag - I"m off."
I once knew a Swiss woman who could open a bottle in her cleavage, take a stone from a horses hoof with her finger and take a screw out with her thumb
She was a Swiss Army Wife
She was a Swiss Army Wife
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.
I watched it all unfold.
I watched it all unfold.
The BBC are always rejecting my sitcom ideas. Now they don't like three female cops dealing with crime in Lancashire.
I had such hopes for Chorley's Angels...
I had such hopes for Chorley's Angels...
- I spoke to an immigrant this morning.
- I said, "what part of this country do you think best represents Great Britain?"
- He said, "ten Downing Street."
- I said, "why do you say that?"
- He said ""cos they"ll let any idiot in."
- I asked my deaf/mute neighbour to stop parking his car on my drive.
- He got quite angry,you should have seen the language.