Hope everybody got what they really wanted for Christmas. My lovely family clubbed together to buy me a voucher for some luxury clinic in Switzerland. Silly bastards must've clicked the wrong box on the booking form though, 'cause it's only a one way flight!! Easily done I suppose!!....
The missus is not speaking to me because I wouldn’t open the car door for her. It’s not my fault I just panicked and swam to the surface.......
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury"s store but she couldn"t find one big enough for her family. She asked a passing assistant, "do these turkeys get any bigger?" The assistant replied, "I"m afraid not, madam, they"re dead."
What"s the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian? One"s a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.
Two Irish pilots flying An Air Fungus jet on final approach at Cork Airport, First pilot said: "Bejesus! Look how short this runway is." Second pilot said: "Yes, but look how fcuking wide it is!"
A bus carrying only old & ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They"re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. T his goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his rear off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: "Make them all ugly again."
My wife reckons she's 'staying dry in January'. Fat chance with a hunk like me knocking round the house.
