Off Topic Jokes thread
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An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthestic, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad,
what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and
your wife .... "
that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anaesthestic, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad,
what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and
your wife .... "
This morning I was horrified to see several young thugs in Chelsea shirts playing football with a little kitten.
I was just about to call the police and the RSPCA when the kitten went one nil up.
I was just about to call the police and the RSPCA when the kitten went one nil up.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little s*it’s name is Kevin.”
It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, biscuits, you name it. Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy William, we won’t be long . . . easy, boy.” Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes, stay cool, William.” Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.
She says to the elderly man, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying ‘things would be okay.’ William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”
“Thanks,” said the grandpa, “but I’m William. The little s*it’s name is Kevin.”
A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded the sack the Irishman said... ''Potatoes!''
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded the sack the Irishman said... ''Potatoes!''
My Grandad warned them the Titanic would sink. He kept telling them, but they would not listen.
They eventually had enough and threw him out of the cinema...
They eventually had enough and threw him out of the cinema...
- Doc: "Mrs Jones, the results of your tests are back, I"m afraid you have Gonorrhea."
- Mrs Jones (very embarrassed): "Er, I think I caught it from a toilet seat"
- Doc: "Well you must have been chewing it then, it"s in your gums"