Off Topic Jokes thread
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Did you know “ listen ” and “ silent ” use the same letters?
Do you know that the word “ race car ” spelled backwards still spells “ race car ”?
And that “ eat ” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it
to the last, it spells its past tense “ ate ”?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants"
and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading,
benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, rag-headed, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
How weird is that?
Do you know that the word “ race car ” spelled backwards still spells “ race car ”?
And that “ eat ” is the only word that if you take the first letter and move it
to the last, it spells its past tense “ ate ”?
And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in “illegal immigrants"
and add just a few more letters, it spells: “Go home you free-loading,
benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking, baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other hairy-faced, rag-headed, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving, raggedy-ass bastards with you.”
How weird is that?
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
"No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.
The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."
The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
My wife thinks I am obsessed with football. How can she say such a thing?
We have been together for 25 seasons........
We have been together for 25 seasons........
- Tonto and The Lone Ranger are walking through the desert.
- The Lone Ranger asks Tonto how much he knows about the desert and the nature surrounding them.
- Tonto suddenly drops the floor and puts his ear to the desert floor.
- Tonto then shouts, "BUFFALO COME."
- The Lone Ranger is amazed.
- He says, "are you so knowledgeable in this world that you can hear the animals miles away and understand their acoustics via their vibrations through the ground?"
- Tonto looks up and says, "NO! EAR STUCK TO FLOOR!"
- A man asks his friend, "what"s the most common French expression?"
- His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
- Disability Cockney Rhyming Slang
- 1. Mutton Jeff deaf
- 2. Canary Wharf dwarf
- 3. Cardinal Wolsey cerebral palsy
- 4. Raspberry ripple cripple
- 5. Rubber and plastic spastic
- 6. Tulips and roses multiple sclerosis
- 7. Bacon rind blind
- 8. Diet Pepsi epilepsy
- 9. Benny and the F*cking C*ntunting Jets Tourettes
- 10. Birds and bees amputees
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- I"m so rubbish in bed I give women rohypnol after sex so they can"t tell anyone.
Archaelogists digging at Stonehenge have discovered a neolithic manuscript which it is believed will change everything we know an understand about prehistoric writings.
Experts at Cambridge analysed the 4000 year old document with a vast array of scientific instruments and it says........
"The DFS sale ends this solstice!"
Experts at Cambridge analysed the 4000 year old document with a vast array of scientific instruments and it says........
"The DFS sale ends this solstice!"