Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • He grabbed me around my slender neck I could not call or scream.
  • He dragged me to my dingy room where we could not be seen.
  • He tore away my flimsy wrap and gazed upon my form.
  • I was so cold and damp and scared while he was dry and warm.
  • He pressed his feverish lips to mine I could not make him stop.
  • He drained me of my inner self i gave him every drop.
  • Then he cast me from his side so now you see me here.
  • An empty bottle thrown away that once was full of beer.
 
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  • Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
  • The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
  • They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they"re all in the pool
  • The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.
  • The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
  • Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
  • He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
  • He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:
  • "Three years I"ve spent learning to swim with my f*cking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!"
 
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  • An Irishman is walking down the street one night when a hooker approaches him.
  • "Hey," she says "d"ya fancy a bit of this?"
  • She lifts up her skirt to reveal crotchless knickers and her fanny.
  • "F*ck that!" says the paddy. "Have you seen what its done to your knickers?"
 
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  • An English man, an American and an Arab were sitting in a bar talking about their families.
  • The Englishman said,"I have 10 sons at home and if I had 1 more I"d have a football team."
  • The American said,"I have 15 kids at home and if I had another I"d have an american football team."
  • The Arab said," I have 17 wives at home. If I had one more I would have a golf course!"
 
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