The UK’S no 1 ventriloquist is celebrating tonight after his wife gave birth to a 7lb 10oz gouncing gagy goy!!..
Off Topic Jokes thread
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I'm pretty sure that my girlfriend is secretly a lighthouse keeper.
I've just answered her phone and some bloke asked if the coast was clear......
I've just answered her phone and some bloke asked if the coast was clear......
Despite being sacked, Sam Allardyce has said thank you to the Everton fans for making him feel like one of them.
Unemployed!
Unemployed!
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort tospend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and couldnot get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
“Not really, PaPa, it was boring.We didn't see a single asshole, piece of sh*t, horse's ass, socialist left wing blind bastard, dip sh*t, Muslim camel rooter, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. Just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort tospend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 5-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy -- just he and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a terrible cold and couldnot get out of bed. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be very disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
"Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.
“Not really, PaPa, it was boring.We didn't see a single asshole, piece of sh*t, horse's ass, socialist left wing blind bastard, dip sh*t, Muslim camel rooter, peckerhead or son of a bitch anywhere we went. Just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone she saw. I really didn't have any fun.”
The Cynical Philosopher...
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw fish to them?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Macca's has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us”. If you’re in Macca's, and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw fish to them?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
Money talks ...but all mine ever says is good-bye.
You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.
If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Macca's has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us”. If you’re in Macca's, and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.