A little old lady telephoned her supplier to order some incontinence pads,the operator asked where are you ringing from?
She replied from the waist down.
She replied from the waist down.
Off Topic Jokes thread
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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied,
"Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."
Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied,
"Don't mess with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."
I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I'm not allowed to go back to that Chemist, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?”
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked, "Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, "HELL NO!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I'm not allowed to go back to that Chemist, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore.
My wife just said to me "why don't you ever show your feminine side"?
I said "ok then,I will"!
I went out and came back 3 hours later.
She said "where have you been"?
I said "parking the car"
I said "ok then,I will"!
I went out and came back 3 hours later.
She said "where have you been"?
I said "parking the car"
- Manchester Police are looking for a racist attacker.
- I called them.
- Apparently it"s not a job advert.
- Been doing some D.I.Y. around the house.
- So I rang the local council to ask can I have a skip outside my house.
- The bloke from the council said "you can cart wheel round the f*cking block for all I care".
- A blonde is sick of being labeled a "dumb blonde" so goes to the hairdressers to buy a brunette wig.
- "How much are they?" she asks."30 quid plus the tax"" replies the hairdresser.
- "Forget the tax," she replies, "I"ll use glue.."
- Sing a song of syphilis,
- A fanny full of crabs,
- Four and twenty ulcers,and twice as many scabs
- When the scabs are opened,
- The twat begins to sing,
- "What a f*ckin" dirty place to put your penis in!"
My Wife asked me before going to the hairdressers, "What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"
"A f*cking power cut" was apparently the wrong answer.
"A f*cking power cut" was apparently the wrong answer.
My dog swallowed the TV remote control. So now I have to pat his stomach to get BBC, rub his neck to get Sky, stroke his back to get ITV and I’ve decided to give up watching Channel 4......
I just got thrown out of Asda at the Self Checkout area.
Good news is, no lumps on my testicles.......
Good news is, no lumps on my testicles.......