Off Topic Jokes thread

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I have a complex multiple-personality disorder. Some days I think I'm a temptress in a Bizet opera, other days I'm convinced I am the head of the German Luftwaffe in the Second World War.

I don't really know whether I'm Carmen or Goering.......
 
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  • A posh lady board member is being shown around her new hospital by the Matron.In the first room in the ward, she sees a patient furiously w*nking in bed.
  • "Good Grief!" She exclaims, "That"s disgusting! Why is that man w**king in bed?"
  • "Well," the matron explains, "that man has a rare disease which causes him to make too much semen. If he doesn"t relieve himself five times a day, his testicles will explode!"
  • "Oh I see. That poor man," says the lady.
  • Moving on to the second room, they look in to see a patient being given a blow job by a nurse.
  • Shocked, the lady says "This is terrible, what"s your explanation for this?"
  • "He"s got the same condition as the first man," replies the matron, "but he"s with BUPA."
 
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  • ........20 Signs You're Getting Old.........
  • 20. Your houseplants are alive, and you can"t smoke any of them.
  • 19. Having sex in a single bed is out of the question.
  • 18. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
  • 17. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
  • 16. You hear your favourite song in a lift.
  • 15. Jeans and a t-shirt no longer qualify as "dressed up."
  • 14. You"re the one calling the police because those annoying kids next door won"t turn down the stereo.
  • 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
  • 12. You feed your dog tinned dog food instead of last nights takeaway leftovers.
  • 11. Sleeping on the settee makes your back hurt.
  • 10. You take naps.
  • 9. Pictures then dinner is the whole night instead of the beginning of one.
  • 8. Eating a curry at 2:00 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
  • 7. You go to the chemist"s for ibuprofen and Gaviscon, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
  • 6. A 2.99 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
  • 5. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
  • 4. "I just can"t drink the way I used to" replaces "I"m never going to drink that much again."
  • 3. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
  • 2. When you find out your friend"s missus is pregnant you congratulate him instead of asking "Oh f*ck, what happened?"
  • And the number one sign you are getting old is:
  • 1. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn"t apply to you and can"t find one.
 
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An Australian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands . He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Australian barmaid. As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 to sleep with him.
As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She remembers the pay-out from night before and is only too happy to agree.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia ...
' Melbourne ', he tells her.
'So am I. What suburb?' she enquires.
'Glen Iris' he replies.
'That's amazing,' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?'
' Cameo Street ' he replies.
'This is unbelievable.........' she says, her voice quavering;
'What number?'
'Number 20', he replies.
She is totally astonished. 'You are NOT going to believe this,' she screams, 'but I'm from number 22! My parents still live there!'
'I know...' he says, 'Your Dad gave me $1,000 to give to you
 
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Two little boys were talking in the School Playground.
One asked the other: "Where did you get that watch from?"
He replied: "I Caught my Dad kissing the next door Neighbour in the bedroom. My Dad asked me what I wanted to not say anything to my Mum. I told him I wanted a Rolex and here it is".
The other boy was aware that HIS Father was also having an Affair with HIS Neighbour and so bided his time until he knew they were in the bedroom togetjher.
The boy burst into the room and his Dad said: "What do YOU want?"
The boy replied: "I wanna watch."
His dad replied: "Well come in and shut the door".
 
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  • A refuse collector is doing his rounds and notices one house in the street that doesn"t have a wheelie-bin outside.
  • So he goes to the door and knocks.
  • After a few minutes an old chinese man comes to the door.
  • "Where"s your bin?", the refuse collector asks.
  • "I bin upstairs", the chinese man replies
  • ."No! Where"s your BIN?", he says.
  • "I bin upstairs havin" a sh*t", the guy says.
  • "NO! WHERE"S YOUR WHEELIE-BIN?", he continues.
  • The old man thinks for a minute then says:"OK, you got me. I was having a w*nk"
 
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  • A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
  • Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
  • She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
  • Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
  • Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
  • Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
  • Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping.
  • Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
  • Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I"m Norwegian."
 
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