Off Topic Jokes thread

  • Please bear with us on the new site integration and fixing any known bugs over the coming days. If you can not log in please try resetting your password and check your spam box. If you have tried these steps and are still struggling email [email protected] with your username/registered email address
  • Log in now to remove adverts - no adverts at all to registered members!
  • A man walks into his local butchers and ask for a pound of what"s what.
  • The butcher, puzzled by this request, informs the man that they don"t sell what"s what.
  • So the man leaves, only to come back the next day and ask for the same.
  • The butcher, in a light hearted, mood thinks the man is pulling his leg, so he chuckles lightly and informs the man that they do not sell what"s what and sends the man on his way once again.
  • The next day the man returns, more determined than ever, and asks for a pound of what"s what.
  • The butcher is infuriated."Stop wasting my time and your own - I"ve told you before we don"t sell what"s what, nor have we ever heard of it!" bellows the Butcher.
  • "What"s that then?" the man says quickly, pointing at a random selection of meat.
  • "What"s what?" the butcher replies.
  • The man answers, "Well, I"ll have a f*ckin' pound of that then."
 
  • Like
Reactions: Wooperts_duck
The wife was getting dressed up for a night out with her mates, walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least." I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled. "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant pints!
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
Yulia Skripal was discharged from hospital yesterday so I asked her out for a drink to take her mind off her recent ordeal.

Unfortunately she stormed out of the pub after less than a minute. Maybe "Whats your poison?" Wasn't the best opening line!
 
  • Like
Reactions: antipodean exile
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 
  • Like
Reactions: devonFRATTONiser and antipodean exile
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top Bottom
Back