Off Topic Jokes thread

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John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' Said Keith.
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Keith's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything....
 
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  • Steve McClaren was out shopping when he spied a little, old, mentally handicapped cripple with one arm and one leg, struggling with his heavy shopping. Feeling samaritan like, he said;"excuse me friend, but can you manage?"
  • "yes" he replied "and so much f*cking better than you can"
 
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  • A blonde began a job as an elementary school counsellor, and she was eager to help.
  • One day during recess she noticed a boy standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other. Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.
  • The boy said he was.
  • A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
  • Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be your friend?"
  • The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking at the woman suspiciously.
  • Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here alone?"
  • "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation, "I"m the f*cking goalie."
 
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