Off Topic Jokes thread

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  • My wife bought a whole range of those anti-ageing cosmetics yesterday, then spent the entire afternoon in front of the mirror applying various creams and potions to just about every part of her body.
  • Later that evening, she came downstairs and said to me "Be honest darling - how old do I look?"
  • I replied, "From your skin - 18; from your hair - 25; from your figure - 20."
  • "Gee honey, you"re in a flattering mood tonight," she said.
  • "Hang on a sec," I said, "I haven"t added them up yet."
 
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Why is it, when girls wear skimpy, revealing bikinis on holiday, they don't mind you staring at them?

Yet if you catch them wearing only their bra and knickers, they scream and shout and cover themselves up with a towel? Sort it out Ladies.

I didn't climb up this ladder for the good of my health you know!
 
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Three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference. At the station, each lawyer bought a ticket whereas the engineers bought only one ticket between them.

‘How are you going to travel on a single ticket?’ asked a lawyer.

‘Wait and watch’, answered one of the engineers.

When they boarded the train, the lawyers took their seats, but the three engineers crammed into a toilet and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train started, the ticket collector arrived. He knocked on the toilet door and asked, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The ticket collector took it and moved on.

Seeing this, the lawyers decided to the same thing on the return trip so when they arrived at the station they bought only one ticket. To their astonishment, the engineers didn’t buy any. ‘How are you going to travel without a ticket?’ asked one of the perplexed lawyers.

“Wait and watch”, answered an engineer.

In the train, the three engineers crammed into a toilet and the three lawyers into another nearby. Soon after the train started, one of the engineers got out of the toilet and walked to one where the lawyers were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please…"
 
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An ex British army medic had been unemployed for short time. He could not find a job he liked so he opened his own medical clinic and put a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for £500, if not treated get £1,000 back."
A clever doctor thought that this was a good opportunity to earn £1,000 and went to the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my ability to taste."
Medic: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Medic: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500."
The doctor left feeling very annoyed and went back a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Medic: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But thats petrol again!"
Medic: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500."
The Doctor left angrily and came back after several more days.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Medic : "Well, I don't have any medicine for that. Take this £1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only £500!"
Medic : "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be £500 . . ."
 
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