As UK expels senior Russian agents, the White House follows suit:
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Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
- Start date
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- Whenever I go on the pull, I always look for a woman who has a tattoo.
- I see a woman with a tattoo and I think "here"s a bird who"s capable of making a decision she"ll regret in the future."
- The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You"re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
- A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
- The judge says, "You"re also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
- The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
- The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I"ll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
- The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I"m sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years, I"ve lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn"t have one."
Got a few nice bits off e-bay today. A tickling stick, a wheelchair and a dartboard, all for under a tenner.
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, your badge, show him your feckin BADGE!!"
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land! No questions asked! Do you understand ?!!" The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, your badge, show him your feckin BADGE!!"