Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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When John and Mary first got married John said, “I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and £81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”
In all their 30 years of marriage Mary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and £81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening they were out for a special Anniversary dinner. After dinner Mary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?”
John thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”
Mary was shocked, but said, “Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem.”
John thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.
A little while later Mary asked John, so why do you have all that money in the box?
John answered; “Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash”
I’ve just installed CCTV in the down stairs toilet.
You can now follow me on Shi*ter.
You can now follow me on Shi*ter.
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,"Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike."
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.
He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,"Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he
hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both..
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years
teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,
"My bike."
I went into the pet shop, yesterday and saw an old mate working there.
"Alright, Steve", I said.
"Don't you work in Burger King anymore, then?"
"Nah, moved on to a better job, pal"
"Anyhow, what can I get you?", he asked.
"Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog"
"No, problem", he said.
"And do you want flies with that?"
"Alright, Steve", I said.
"Don't you work in Burger King anymore, then?"
"Nah, moved on to a better job, pal"
"Anyhow, what can I get you?", he asked.
"Glad to hear it. I'm looking for a tropical frog"
"No, problem", he said.
"And do you want flies with that?"
So I went to the travel agents and asked about holidays abroad.
“So where in particular?”,asked the travel agent.
“Majorca” I replied
“ Sorry, Sir, but it is Mayorca.....you see the J is silent ...when do you plan to go?”
“I was thinking Yune or Yuly!”
“So where in particular?”,asked the travel agent.
“Majorca” I replied
“ Sorry, Sir, but it is Mayorca.....you see the J is silent ...when do you plan to go?”
“I was thinking Yune or Yuly!”
- Friendship between Women:
- A woman didn"t come home one night.
- The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend"s house.
- The man called his wife"s 10 best friends.
- None of them knew anything about it.
- Friendship between Men:
- A man didn"t come home one night.
- The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy"s house.
- The woman called her husband"s 10 best Friends.
- Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
- My mother"s a gullible old dear, so when she asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I wrote out a list.
- She spent hours at the shopping centre trying to find an air guitar, and a fanny magnet.
- But she wasn"t fooled at all by my request for the book; "French Military Victories."
- God created man, stepped back and said "perfect!"
- He then created woman, stepped back, had a long look and said
- "F*ck me! this"ll have to wear make up!"
- Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers.
- "Since when do you wear womens pants?"
- "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"