Off Topic Jokes thread

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My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.Poor bastard must have wondered what the f*ck was going on.
 
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Mouse for Females.
After years of research Microsoft have found that women do not like the traditional mouse normally supplied with PC’s. They found that they would be more at home with the design shown below!

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  • One of the larger ladies in our office was all dressed up last night.
  • She had on a short skirt showing her stocking tops, a flimsy low cut top showing lots of cleavage, and a feather Boa.
  • I asked why she was all dressed up and she said, "I"m going to a fancy dress party as a hooker"
  • "Really" I said. "You look more like a prop forward to me."
 
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  • "Mummy, Mummy! All my friends are married,
  • Susie has married a rich Barrister,
  • Jenny has bagged a millionaire businessman,
  • Rachel has married a Premiership footballer.
  • I just don"t know what I"m doing wrong, I"m attractive, big breasts, lovely figure. I"m getting desperate."
  • "Calm down dear, just follow the advice on the Heineken advert."
  • "What do you mean?"
  • "Get the head right and the rest will follow."
 
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