Off Topic Jokes thread

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In Antigua, a steak pie is $2.69
In the Bahamas a steak pie is $2.99
In Dominica, a steak pie is $2.99
In the Dominican Republic a steak pie is $2.39
In Haiti, a steak pie is $2.39
In Jamaica, a steak pie is $2.49
In Saint Lucia, a steak pie is $2.39
In Trinidad and Tobago, a steak pie is $2.19

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
 
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  • A Brummie goes to Ground Zero in New York one year after 9/11.
  • Whilst there, he sees a fireman paying his respects.
  • The Brummie says to him, "there were a lot of people that were very proud of what you guys did".
  • "Thanks buddy," the fireman replies.
  • "You lot were bloody brave," the Brummie says.
  • "Thanks. Where are you from anyhow?" the fireman asks.
  • "Birmingham," he replies.
  • "Birmingham? What state"s that in?" asks the fireman.
  • The Brummie looks around and replies, "about the same as this really..."
 
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  • A man feared his wife Peg wasn"t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
  • Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
  • The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
  • Here"s what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
  • If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
  • That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
  • He says to himself, "I"m about 40 feet away, let"s see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
  • No response.So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Peg, what"s for dinner?"
  • Still no response.Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
  • Again he gets no response.So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what"s for dinner?"
  • Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her. "Peg, what"s for dinner?"
  • "Frank , for the FIFTH f*cking time, CHICKEN!"
 
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  • A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster Tails for a quid on the menu.
  • He asks the waiter: "What"s wrong with them?"
  • Waiter says: "Nothing, freshly caught today."
  • So the man orders some,
  • The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says: "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster..."
 
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A young guy called Tommy bought a horse from a farmer for £250 and the farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died."

Tommy replied, "Well, then just give me my money back. That's fine."

The farmer said, "Sorry, I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Tommy then said, "Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse."

The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, "Why? What ya gonna do with him?"

Tommy replied, "I’m going to raffle him off."

The farmer laughed and said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse! Who'd buy a ticket?"

Tommy answered, "Sure I can, just watch me. I just won't tell anybody the horse is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, "What happened with that dead horse in the end. Did you raffle him off?"

Tommy said, "I sure did. I sold 500 tickets at £5 a piece."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Tommy smiled and said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £5 back."
 
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