Off Topic Jokes thread
- Thread starter devonFRATTONiser
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Time to start eating healthy again as I let myself slip over Christmas and New Year. So for breakfast today I had an egg with soldiers.
- Is it racist that I assumed the word "HIV" was missing when I saw the headline
- "Gordon Brown Is Positive After Private Meeting With Barack Obama"?
- Marys lamb had foot and mouth
- Her cow had B.S.E.
- But Mary was a kinky slut
- And gave them H.I.V.
- Bloated, gassy feeling in your stomach with acidic belching.
- Been for a piss four times already, and you"re not even tipsy yet
- Weird metallic taste in your mouth, even though you watched the barmaid pour it on draught
- .Hungover the next day, even though you were still perfectly coherent and co-ordinated when you went to bed.
- Carlsberg do do lager...
My wife says she’s leaving me as she thinks I’m too obsessed with astronomy.
What f*cking planet is she on?
What f*cking planet is she on?
- Father Norton woke up to a beautiful and sunny Sunday morning and decided that it was too good to waste indoors; he simply had to play golf.
- Pretending to be unwell, he convinced the associate pastor to say Mass for him that day, before heading out of town to a golf course about 40 miles away so he wouldn"t run into anyone from his parish.
- On the first tee, he looked around and saw that he had the entire course to himself. Everyone else was in church!
- Watching this from the heavens, Saint Peter lean't over to the Lord and asked, "Are you going to let him get away with this?"
- Just then, Father Norton hit the ball and it headed straight for the pin, dropped just short, before rolling up and falling into the hole - a 420 yard hole in one!
- Astonished, St. Peter looked to the Lord and asks, "Why in Heaven did you let him do that?!"
- The Lord smiled and replied, "Who"s he going to tell?"
- This is apparently a true story...
- A British Airways 747 was making its approach to Heathrow Airport when the pilot came over the intercom and said: "If you look out of the left hand windows of the plane, you will see Windsor Castle, one of Englands most historic and beautiful landmarks".
- At which point, an American tourist pipes up: "Gee, what a silly place to build a castle, right underneath a busy flight path".