Off Topic Jokes thread

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I took my wife to Scotland to see if we could spot the Loch Ness Monster. We were only there for a couple of minutes when I noticed something in the water.

"There it is!" I shouted. "There's something f*cking horrible looking right at us."

"That's my reflection," said my wife.
 
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  • It was my first night in prison and I was feeling a bit nervous.
  • My cellmate was a huge bloke with muscles on his muscles.
  • When lights out came and I was lying on my bunk he said:
  • "Seeing that we"re going to be spending so much time together we better be family. What do you want to be, mummy or daddy"
  • "Oh crap" I thought. But, on the principle that it"s better to give than to receive, I said"I"ll be daddy then"
  • "Fair enough" says my cellmate "Now come over here and suck mummy"s cock....."
 
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  • I walked in the pub yesterday and I couldn"t help but notice a guy sat at the bar scribbling on some paper and laughing hysterically.
  • "Why are you so happy?" I asked.
  • "My wife"s been on a diet for the last 4 days, and she"s lost 5 pounds." the man replied.
  • "What"s so funny about that?" I asked.
  • "Well," he says "I"ve worked out that in 4 months, she will have disappeared completely!"
 
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I had a central heating engineer round this afternoon and while he was working away he said, “I see you’re a darts man, like myself.”

I asked how he worked that out and he replied, “That photo on the fireplace of you and Jocky Wilson.”

I replied, “That’s my wife mate.”
 
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in


dat cage up dere,' says Gerry..

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on


each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and


Gerry falls all the way to the bottom,



killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Feck dat, dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'






THERE'S MORE. ...








Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of


the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun


and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he


hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'




IT IS NOT OVER YET....







Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends

when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a


cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls


himself off the cliff and disappears down and down

until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his


budgie jumping,

den Seamus parrotshooting...

And now Sean and his

feck'n hengliding!'